What would I be doing if...

I have generally tried to not think about the answer to the above question because I think it is a one way ticket to a melancholic state that serves no real purpose other than to distract me from my goal of getting better. However, this week has had me feeling all off kilter and while I have tried to explain it as a fear of my first radiation appointment (which is tomorrow). I think that the truth lies, at least in part, in the answer to the above question because this week, this week I had something that I was really excited about planned...

I was supposed to be going back to Nicaragua for the first time in 5 years to provide medical care to the indigenous Miskito Indians of the Atlantic coast of Nicaragua. I actually reserved, but didn't pay for, the ticket the night before I found out the truth about the bump in my ankle that was removed with surgery #1. I had been planning this trip for 6 months at that point, recruiting nurses, getting supplies, planning for the best use of our time and the skills of the group etc. So, why didn't I pay for that ticket. I don't know, but something told me to wait until after my doctor visit the next day. How the mind works, really? The group is there now and have been for a week, the trip changed when I had to back out of it, but the main goal remains the same. I wish them well and have been thinking about them all week. I keep seeing images in my head of my prior trips (I have been there 4 times since I was a med student), and I can only hope that by next year I will be well enough to go. Yet further motivation to keep doing my exercises.