Thursday, March 15, 2007

Phase 3= Starting Over= Yikes

So, some of you have wondered why I haven't yet blogged about starting phase 3 of the cancer abatement battle of 2007, otherwise known as radiation. Well, the truth is I haven't yet been able to put a spin on it that sounds anything but whiny and I HATE WHINY. So, I'll try (although I may have to start at the beginning so bear with me) and if it is a little whiny you'll just have to forgive me.

I chose to go to New York for surgery for many reasons, I have a friend who works there who I knew was watching out for me, I really liked the doctor, Sloan is really one of the best cancer hospitals in this country and sense what I have is rare they probably have the most experience. There were more reasons, but those were the main ones. One thing it was not was convenient. A word I tried to banish from my vocabularly 3 months ago because really none of this convenient. Anyway, I went to New York and it all seemed to work out. They found no more cancer cells, I can still feel and control lefty, etc. However, once I finally decided/ was convinced that I really needed radiation- that piece always felt a little left to happinstance. It was causing me increasing unease throughout phase 2, but nonetheless I tried to have faith. My doctor got many opinions and she finally came up with two suggestions for a reasonable place to get radiation, and I chose UCLA (as the other option was in San Diego and although I am sure that I could have figured out somewhere to stay there, I couldn't quite deal with having ot leave my house again.)

So, on with the story... I have now entered a third insititution, and a second sarcoma center and they are doing what any good doctors should do when confronted with a new patient which is confirm the diagnosis etc. So, what that means for me is that I have spent all week regathering all of the information that I had to gather and send to Sloan three months ago plus the info from there. However, the difference for me is huge. Back in December, I just wanted an option 4, I wanted desparately to believe that there were better options out there and I would have done anything to find them. Now I just find this whole thing annoying and a waste of time. Both waste of time as far as delaying my start of treatment and literally a waste of time as I have spent hours on the phone this week gathering everything, confirming that it has been shipped, received etc. I am exhausted and I can't help but feel like I am reliving a part of my life that I never wanted to relive. Plus, I can't see a benefit to me in this (aside from that the doctors are being thorough, which i respect), but for me personally and emotionally I cannot question what already has been done. I had to see the UCLA surgeons this week also, who went over all of my stuff and finally declared well you had everything done right and now you just need radiation (Well, no s**t I knew that already let's get on with it). Hopefully, we will be able to get on with it by next week.

There that is my story- sorry it was a little whiny. However, I felt like I had to put it here as I really can't tell it again and after all that was a part of the reason for this little blog of mine was so I wouldn't have to tell stories repeatedly, not that I don't appreciate everyones concern of course.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Lis - You did not sound whiny, just appropriately annoyed and exhausted. Hang in there, and Happy St. Pat's Day. Drink some special green beer and relax if you can!