Not really done!

Today I endured almost 10 hours of tests.  I was poked prodded, scanned, talked too and declared still healthy.  Great News, I know!

But, there was a but!  I hate exceptions!  Today's was pointed.  My achilles tendon is inflamed!  It has hurt after my last few runs, it is stiff EVERY day.  There is a spot that lights up on the MRI.  It should be OK, but it isn't normal and I have to be careful.

My surgeon says I am healthy beyond what she ever expected.  My sensation, my strength at my ankle given that my tumor was on the nerve is apparently amazing.  I love that, but...  The but is my ankle has been radiated and cut up, it will never be normal.  No act of will on my part will make it so.

I know I shouldn't be sad, but I am.  I want this behind me.  I want to not have limits placed on me; however, sadly my reality is different.  If I didn't respect my surgeon so much I'd have fought this, but I know she knows me, she knows my ankle, and she's worried.  A ruptured radiated achilles would be BAD.  I can accept limitations to avoid that. I can, really!

So, the good news I'm healthy. The bad news, I have to be careful.

I can deal.  Getting and recovering from cancer in my ankle woke me up from being in horrible shape.  A caution isn't a bad thing.  I'm good, really I swear I am!

Moving On

I have decided that The Tale of My Left Foot is done. 34 monthes ago, I had my first surgery on my ankle and 1 month later learned I had cancer. I have documented my journey, my triumphs, my failures, my fears and last weekend I completed a triathlon. So, now the "Tale" feels done. Thanks for travelling this road with me.

I can now be found at my new blog Call Me Dr. Lisa .

Thanks for taking this journey with me.  I may come back....

Sometimes You Need an Ego Boost

There are days when you wake up and just don’t feel like your mojo is quite where it should be. I was sort of been on a high after doing the triathlon and for one reason or another the last two days have been a little bit of a letdown. What goes up usually has to come down, even when the up is caused only by an infusion of sweat and adrenaline and not something illicit. Still “there is no drug like adrenaline.”

Fortunately, for me I had scheduled to get a Brazilian Blow Dry yesterday since I could finally keep my hair dry for the requisite post period, since I am no longer training. So yesterday I sat in my stylist's chair while she put stuff in my hair that smelled like strawberries and then flat ironed it all into my hair for what seemed like hours. The end result, long straight hair now flows from my head.

This morning my pillow smelled like fermented strawberries, but other than that, two seconds with a brush and my hair was perfect. Then I came to work and have had to “endure” people telling me how awesome I look all day. It is rough being beautiful.

Thanks for the ego boost everyone. I can always use it.

The Tale of My First Triathlon

Yesterday morning I completed my first triathlon

On Saturday, I bundled my nervous energy into productivity and worked in my garden for hours, cleaned my house, and then headed off to pick up my bib number and timing chip to be ready for Sunday morning. Then off to my parents for a pre-race hot tub soak and pasta and protein dinner. Home, I put myself to bed by 10 and tried to find sleep with my mind going a thousand miles an hour. I was filled with that preanticipation anxiety/ excitement. Ultimately, sleep overtook me.

Sunday morning dawned EARLY, my alarm went off at 4:15, but I was already awake. I pulled myself out of bed, finished packing my bags, stretched, ate my 1st breakfast, and headed to my friend Jason's house, and then off we went to the Hansen Dam. We got registered, we got in the long line to settle into our transition area, we stretched, we chatted, I ate more and then soon it was race time...

We all lined up in order of age and gender as informed for out starting heat, and prepared to enter the MURKY waters of the Hansen Dam. The nervous energy in my body was palpable. I knew that I had done what I could to prepare, but I really didn't know what to expect, what the race would be like. So, as each group entered into the water, we all cheered and watched as first people started to come out of the water. Then next thing I knew it was the group before mine.

Preparing to enter the dam

I put on my goggles and told myself that this was just a warm up. An easy 500 yd swim, no big deal. They called out our group, I ran over the timing pad, into the water, started swimming. The water was so murky I couldn't even see my arms in the water, people were swimming all over me, running into each other etc. Then about 100 yds into it, I was in less crowded water, and then I realized I was way off course, I redirected. Turning the first corner, I finally felt like I was hitting my stride and then I took a breath on my left and the lifeguards were alongside me pointing to the right. I was in the middle of the dam, woops! They guided me back to the course and I had to keep checking to make sure I stayed on course. All said and done I probably swam an extra 100-150 yards. Once I found my way to the exit ramp I happily put my feet down and started to run up the ramp and over the timer mat. Thankful the swim was over. Swim time- 13:44 (disappointing)

Then into transition 1, I ran. I went to my spot, dried off my feet, put on my shoes and socks, grabbed some of my power bar and some water. Helmet on, I grabbed my bike and ran out to the appointed spot where I could get on my bike. T1-3:47

The bike was well, easy. I had done the majority of the course before with my friends. I was confident, I felt strong. I was able to keep my pace up hill and the downhills were great breaks. There was one turn that was a little hairy, but since I am cautious and slowed way down, and it was fine. I actually had fun on the bike. Then I got to the part where we had to dismount and again ran over the timer pad. Bike Time- 36:28

Entering transition 2, I grabbed more protein bar, more water, switched my helmet for a hat and ran out the other way over yet one more timer pad. T2- 1:29

Then I started to run, the first 0.5 miles was rough, I almost choaked on the water I tried to drink at the first water spot, but then I hit my stride. While I was sucking air, I was able to keep pace. I saw my friend heading towards the finish line as I crossed the first turn. Encouraged, I then heard them announce the first woman to finish who was named Lisa. She finished in just over an hour. Bolstered, I kept running. The last 0.5 mile was all uphill, but there was no way I'd walk. Pleased that my local runs are nothing if not hilly. I pushed forward. I entered the final stretch, they called my name out. I ran over one last timer pad, and I was done- Run time 27:05

Crossing the finish line

Standing there at the finish line were my friends and my cousin. I was so happy to hear them cheering for me. I was hot, sweaty and exhilirated. My Mom and Uncle came and joined us. I couldn't believe I did it. Total time- 1:22, not quite what I aimed for, but I am very proud.

My official times

Me post race with Jason and Ryan

Post Race with Elle

Thanks so much for all of the support and encouragement.

Why I'm doing a Triathlon

This Sunday I will do my first triathlon, The Hansen Dam Triathlon. Something I NEVER thought I’d do. Triathlons always seemed to me the pinnacle of obsessive exercise behavior. Especially the Iron Man (which I still think is crazy), but my journey of the last two years has brought me to the point of embarking on this my first “sprint triathlon.”

How did I get here? Two years ago, I finished my radiation treatment for cancer of the ankle. It would be another month before I’d walk again. That left me having spent 8 months in various stages of immobility- crutches, cane, hospitalized on complete bed rest, wheelchair, crutches, cane, crutches non-weight bearing again. During all of this time, I learned many things about myself and had endless amounts of time to think about my life. Shortly after getting my diagnosis, I was told that amputation would likely be the only way to avoid a recurrence of my cancer, and after going through all of my surgeries and treatments, I still face the reality that IF I have a local recurrence (ie. if the sarcoma comes back in my ankle) given how much of my ankle has already been removed, amputation still might be the only option. This is my reality. I don’t think about it often, but there it is. Through out my whole ordeal, I questioned what was the purpose of these trials? Would there be one, and what would I miss the most? I fought against my dependence on others, but I also learned to ask for help.

I realized that many of the things I feared losing, I had lost by letting myself get out of shape through years of my own medical training and not prioritizing my own health. I vowed to change that as soon as I was allowed to exercise again. Once I was given the green light, I was doing physical therapy twice a week, I joined a gym (largely to be able to swim), shortly thereafter I started working out with a personal trainer. Over the months and months that followed I got back to where I was before the first surgery, but suddenly that wasn’t good enough. I committed to being as healthy as possible. I kept weight lifting. I was up to swimming 1500-2000 yards at a go, and I started swimming butterfly again. I decided to start running. I prioritized my own health and fitness.

Now two years after completing my treatment I am in better shape than I have been since high school (if not ever), healthy eating and exercising are staples in my life. My outlook has never been better. A few months ago, friends started asking me with the fact that I am a swimmer, and now I ran 2-4 miles a few days a week when would I do triathlon. My response the first several times was an emphatic never. However, it got me thinking, why not? With a commitment to training, I could totally do it. This athletic event that always seemed miles out of my reach, suddenly sounded possible. My scarred, weakened ankle and I started training. I was hooked, I committed to doing the triathlon with a friend. I’ve now been training for 5 months, and I am sure I’ll be able to finish, but I am hoping to make a specific time. That old competitive spirit is alive in me.

I am doing this triathlon as a testament to my recovery, as thanks to the people who helped me get through my journey, as an outward sign of making my health a priority in my life.

Thanks to all of you for supporting me along this journey!

Shedding my Shy Self

The other day I got a DM (twitter direct message- sort of like a text message) from Michael aka badassdadblog, a guy I have never met but whom I follow on twitter asking me if I wanted to join him and his family at a scuba diving event/ BarBQue this weekend. We had previously tweeted about diving and the possibility of going soon. So this wasn't completely out of the blue. He sent me the facebook link to the event. I read about it. I really wanted to go, I have been wanting to go diving more, I need to expand my social network etc., but I get nervous. I asked a friend if she wants to come, but she has to work, ack. What if I look stupid by myself, what it, what if. Blahhhhk, I could make myself crazy. I investigated the event, decided I'd go with or without my friend. I talked to the organizer today. Will rent equipment tomorrow. It will be fun. I am really excited about it actually despite my shy misgivings. Watch out world this could be a whole new me.

Last time I was diving!

Objectivity

I am a neonatologist, most of you know this. My specialty isn't all about happy endings and everything coming up roses. We deal with critically ill babies, babies so sick or with such rare diseases that they are transferred to us when they cannot be cared for in the community anymore. We have many wonderful success stories. I celebrate those because they keep me going through rough days. However, we also have many sad, sad stories and unfortunately some of the babies who come to us cannot be saved.

In my professional life, I am equally dedicated to saving the babies in my care who have a chance at survival and doing so with the highest level of skill and integrity that I can, as I am dedicated to not inflicting unnecessary suffering when it is clear that there is no possibility of survival. These dual goals of mine are not at all at odds with each other, but they do require extreme clarity and certainty of your knowledge. You must have the facts and when they are unclear fight for life. When the information is there you must be able to tell the family so they can understand and work towards acceptance. If you are not objective, this is not possible. There is a certain separation that must be maintained as the attending physician from your patients so that you can see clearly. This is why as physicians we do not care for family members, or those who are like family. Because try as you might, you cannot be objective. However, this is not in anyway to say that you should be withdrawn. As a neonatal intensivist, my humanity, my care, my concern is my center, my driving force. I must care, so that I can do my job to the best of my ability. As I have said the day that I do not shed a tear when a baby dies will be the day I quit. No questions asked, no second thoughts.

These thoughts have been in my head a lot lately. There are many reasons. Starting with my grandfather's stroke and continuing to what was not a very happy couple of weeks on service. Also, I have been trying to counsel some of my junior colleagues on these issues lately. It is not easy because everyone takes it so personally. I am far from perfect, but I do the best I can. I hope that I can still lead by example, and I hope that I can help my junior colleagues find their center in a place that will allow them to balance their lives and their patients lives.

On the side of the road..

About 10 years ago, I was driving back home to DC from North Carolina in my OLD Toyota Corolla, the car I had had since I was 16. I was in the midst of some long expanse or road in the midst of nowhere southern Virginia... kabam my tire blew out. Going close to 80 miles an hour this can be issue, but I safely got myself over to the side of the road, took a couple of deep breaths and prepared to change my tire. While I was pulling my tire jack and the block of wood I kept in my trunk for just such occassions, I looked up. There was a guy in an SUV and a big rig truck both stopped on the shoulder in front of me and walking towards me. After a few seconds of panic, these two kind gentleman marveled at my preparedness and then offered to change my tire. Then Mr. Big Rig asked how much further I had to go- "to DC (a good 300 more miles)" I replied. "Well, that is too far to go on this tire (my spare that had already been used more than once)." He then called ahead on his radio (this was pre common cell phone usage) to an open service station told them I was a friend and to give me a good rate. He gave me directions and away I went after thanking them profusely. This whole escapade delayed my arrival back to the Nation's Capital by barely two hours.

I neglected to get these kind men's phone numbers or addresses or something to formally thank them. However, I have tried to "Pay It Forward." I have tried.

Today I headed out to Hansen Dam to test ride and run the triathlon course. Half of our group was really late so we left for the bike ride, went the wrong way so then decided to ride with the other the right way in lieu of running in the now almost noon day sun. The ride was great, invigorating even. After about 21 miles total, I was thinking this riding thing is no big deal when... Kabaam. My back tire was flat. About 3 miles from our destination, my tire not holding the air we tried to inflate it with and me lacking a spare, I waited at the side of the road. My friends were to come back to get me. I didn't have my cell phone, I had very little water, it was hot, but I waited patiently in the shade. For 30 minutes I sat on the side of the road in a decidedly non-picturesque, industrial neighborhood. Only 1 person asked if I was OK. No one asked if they could call someone for me. No one asked if I needed anything. Including the two policemen who drove by me. I just waited. I was fine, it was handled but...

I wondered, Are there no more Good Samaritans? Are we so jaded? My friend said it's a good thing, they might have been creeps if they had stopped, true I guess, but...

Safety First

The triathlon that I decided to do in the throws of a break up is now less than 3 weeks away. 

When I started this whole thing- I was running 2-3 days a week about 2 or so miles each time.  The tri is a 3 mile run.  So clearly, I had work to do there.  I now run 4-5 miles 2-3 days week.  A friend called me a runner the other day. I laughed at him.  I still don't consider myself a runner.  I may not be fast, but I think I'll be OK even if running after riding a bike is still kind of crazy. 

 Back at the start of this, I was swimming on average once a week putting in around 2000 yds in the pool and training butterfly.  The tri is a 500 yd open water swim.  I wasn't worried about that.  I have been training and I'm a little faster, so I am confident there.

But the cycling..  I hadn't been on a bike in 9 years. I didn't have a bike that worked.  I was scared of riding a bike with a lot of people around me.  So, clearly- the biking was a problem.  I borrowed a bike from a friend.  It was an awesome road bike with the kind of pedals that require you to clip your shoes into the pedals. I was afraid of those.  So, I bought new pedals and started riding.  Guess what, I really like this cycling thing.  I bought a road bike a few weeks ago, it also has the clip on pedal things.  I looked at shoes, couldn't find my size ordered them online. They have finally arrived.  I tried it out and immediately decided that for this race in 2 1/2 weeks, I am sticking to having my feet mobile.  I'll learn to use those fancy shoes and pedals when I am not in countdown mode.  Safety first, right?

The current state of the biking is that it's getting better, but it is still the hardest part for me.  I only have to go 12 miles, so I think I can do it.  I hope  

2 1/2 more weeks- cheer me on, please!

Blogger Prom 09

I suppose, I am a blogger.  I mean I have a blog, right?  Somewhere between 10-30 people visit it a day mostly brought here by interesting search items like "numb foot" or "sleeping through an MRI" or the "the roar of the greasepaint" (BTW- that is the most depressing post I ever wrote).  Anyway, my point being I am far from being in the cool blogger kid club. But then I've rarely been in the cool club for much, so I am OK with that, and this site has served its purpose to be sure.

 Still, when my friend Kim, who IS in the cool blogger club, invited me to go with her to the blogger prom.  I  accepted immediately.  Over the years of going to blogger events with her, I have learned that this is actually a fun, welcoming, interesting crowd.  Therefore, I found myself with a Christmas bow in my big hair in a borrowed dress in West Hollywood last week.  The theme was cheesy prom attire. I borrowed an awesome dress from the Slackmistress and then went kind of Desparately Seeking Susan on it.  Kim ever the one to stand out, actually wore her prom dress from high school (Yes, she still fits into it- she rocks).

Photo by Nina

We had a great time and yes the LA bloggers are an incredibly welcoming group.

Stink- I almost forgot to thank the Blogger Prom Committee- mea culpa- They did an amazing job!

2009 Blogger Prom Committee
Caroline of Caroline on Crack
Esther of e*starLA
H.C. of LA and OC Foodventures
Lindsay of LAist
Marni of Happy Go Marni
Maya of Shop Eat Sleep
Natalie of The Liquid Muse
Tara of When Tara Met Blog

Why Sadie is banished

A month ago, I banished Sadie from my tri training runs because-

A) It is getting hot and she has black fur

B) She has very short legs

C) She likes to sniff the concrete every so often, which throws me off

D) I can now run further and faster than I used to and she now can't keep up. (see B)

E) All of the above

Well, last night she looked so pathetic by the time I finally set out for my run that I gave in and brought her with me.  It was late enough that it wasn't so hot, and she was happy to not be banished that she behaved up until she almost tripped someone with her leash when she ran on the other side of a poor unsuspecting woman who walked into the middle of her leash.  (OK, maybe that is my fault)  I apologized profusely, no harm done, but I think that Sadie will have to stay banished from my long (for me) runs and certainly until after the tri. Sorry Sadie, it is for everyones safety.

Tri countdown- 26 days! EGADS

I know you hate this!

When you were younger, you built a house of your own design with your own hands for your family.  In later years, I watched in awe as you rebuilt the kitchen, and I questioned how you knew how to do it.  You answered all of my numerous questions, you always did. When I was a small child, you built us a go-cart out of plywood and pushed my brother and I around the back patio until we, not you, tired.  You used to let us sit on your back while you swam countless laps in the pool.  You taught me advanced algebra when I was in junior high school. You were my young, healthy grandparent.  You seemed invincible to me.

In more recent years, you showed me an article on the 50 worldwide destinations an avid traveler should go to. You had been to 36 of them.  You told me stories of each. You recounted the numerous books you had read and why you enjoyed them. A few months ago, we sat around your most recent large jigsaw puzzle and you told me about going to the Chicago World Fair on your way out to Annapolis to start at the Naval Academy.  You told me about dropping out of the Naval Academy to marry the love of your life.  You’ve told me other stories too. You have lived a long and adventurous life.

Yesterday I visited you in a hospital room, you can barely move, you can’t speak, but you held my hand.  You opened your once beautiful, clear blue eyes that are now cloudy and unfocused.  You didn’t see me, but I saw you. You probably don’t know what has happened to you. You who have always been so proud and strong willed, lie in a hospital bed.  My heart aches to see you like this. I know you hate it too.

To me you will always be the Johnny of my childhood.  I love you!

Why I went to Kidspace

I voluntarily went to a children’s museum last week.  There is either something wrong with me, or I have a reason.  Trust me,  I have a reason!

My godson is 4 years old.  I want him to know that we have a special relationship that I am one of the few adults outside of his family that he can count on.  So, last year I decided that for his birthday he needs nothing material, but I want him to have childhood memories of our relationship.  So, I started a tradition of taking him somewhere special for his birthday.  His mom suggested the Noah’s Arc exhibit at the Skirball museum. It was a huge success.

 

So, this year, I stuck with the same plan and offered to take him on another day trip this year to Kidspace.  I picked him up from daycare.  He introduced me to his friends as his Auntie Lisa. I smiled.  He had his happy face on the whole way to Kidspace.  We took pictures when we arrived.

 

He discovered a model of the solar system

He climbed an ant hill

He made music using water guns on drums

He rode around the trail of trikes

 

Then we went to my parents house to get my dog, and we played bingo- he lost he didn’t care

 

 I spent the day with my godson. It was priceless.  

I thought i was doing well

I went swimming this afternoon after hiking this morning.  I am brimming with energy now and so happy to have been active all day and had an awesome lunch with my hiking buddy in between.  Plus, it has been one of those days that has made me take pause and give thanks for my life and where I am physically and emotionally now. Here's why.

Whenever I go swimming I choose my lane carefully.  Trying to avoid the old people who don't swim in straight lines and the young kids who are playing.  When I got to the pool, there was one lane with a guy swimming beautiful clean, easy strokes, at a good clip.  My kind of lane partner.  I joined him and we pushed each other to keep our pace up. He took breaks, I did speed training, he did a long swim, with the styrofoam training thing between his legs (ie. not kicking), and then he got out of the pool.  I was taking a break and noticed him getting out because he carefully raised his body out of the water. He swung his legs over, passively.  Then he hoisted himself into a wheelchair, while saying to me "Nice Swim, see you soon."  "Yeah, you too," I replied, "take care."  I noticed it, I took pause.  I hated being in a wheelchair. I feel so much sympathy when I see someone in them now.  Especially, someone so young and vital and strong.  

 I feel like I have made such great strides in the two years since I was allowed to start walking again, but this guy.  I know nothing of his story. I have no idea how long this has been his lot. I don't even know his name, but he made an impression on me. I hope he is well.  I hope this is temporary and that his happy face isn't just a mask.  I hope I see him swimming again.  

Good Luck, Mr. Swimming Man.  Thanks for making me appreciate things.

Reflections on New Intern Week

It is new intern week in teaching hospitals all over the country. The bright, shiny faces of brand new doctors who have their degree but only limited practical experience enter into the world of their real medical education and in some cases indentured servitude. The past week I have watched the new interns being toured around my hospital, appearing in the cafeteria en masse all tanned and relaxed appearing. New intern week doesn't effect me too much because we don't let the interns anywhere near our unit. Still seeing them around reminds me of that time 12 years ago when I was one of those bright, smiling faces in a different hospital, but the same deal.

I did a pediatric residency, because I wanted to be a neonatologist. I am unusual like that. I didn't much like general peds, but it was a necessary step. Anyway, as I knew what I wanted to do, I wasn't too scared when I got my schedule and saw that I would start in the NICU. My two colleagues were petrified. I was excited. Even more so because I'd be on call that very first night as an intern. We got oriented, we did our work. We had almost no idea how to do anything, but our chief resident and fellow were very helpful and supportive. We all got through the day, my new friends left, and I stayed behind to take my first call. A very brief time later, I attended my first ever delivery of a 25 week, 500 something gram baby. My fellow did most of the work, but she taught me what needed to be done and how to do several new (to me) procedures that night. That little boy became my patient, my teacher. He taught me so many of the fundamentals that I still use today. I followed him all month and then when he was ready to go home, I became his general pediatrician. He actually made it through his course of being a 25 weeker without any signfiicant complications and by the time, I left residency he was 3 and doing remarkably well. He was the last patient I ever saw in a general pediatric clinic.  I still get letters from his mom every so often. I will think of him celebrating his 12th birthday this week. I hope he is well.

This morning watching the new interns at breakfast, I was reminded of that long ago night, and that little boy. I was also reminded of who I was all those years ago. I hope that I haven't totally lost the amazement that I felt in caring for this little tiny baby. Certainly, I know what I'm doing now, and I have been to hundreds of deliveries like his, but he is special to me still. Also, I hope that I will never lose the drive that brought me into this career and that makes it more than just a job. 

My dog has brain damage

 I am convinced my dog, Sadie, has brain damage.

Last night, I was eating with a friend outside, when all of a sudden Sadie is facing a  low lying brick planter wall with her hackles raised, growling.  My generally sweet tempered dog was clearly incensed.  The growling continued and escalated, her ears and tails were down as she pawed at the ground, and then started barking.  As we tried to control our laughter at my dogs stalking of a wall, I went over to asses the danger.  She became frantic that her foe would hurt me.  Turns out the "foe" was a small FEATHER.  Yep, my brain damaged dog thought I was going to be attacked by a feather.

I certainly sleep better at night knowing what a  good guard dog lives in my house.

Who me, I didn't do anything.

Destination: The Far East

I've done my share of travelling. I've done my share of medical volunteer work, locally and abroad. I've been to Nicaragua several times and had to cancel a trip when I got sick. Ever since then, I've been searching for opportunitites to get back in touch with that side of me that is fueled by being involved in something so much bigger than yourself. I have had many opportunities presented to me over the last year, but for one reason or another none worked out. However, a few weeks ago I was contacted to join CHLA's trip to Mongolia as they wanted to focus on some more maternal- fetal- neonatal health issues this trip. The trip works with my schedule, works with my plans and so I'm in. Plane tickets are reserved and will be paid for by the end of the day. I've never been to Asia, I'm a little nervous, but I'm really excited.

One of the big issues with this kind of work is to find a way to make sustainable differences in the healthcare in developing nations.  This is a huge topic and used to be a source of much dialogue amongst the Nicaraguan group.  Certainly they need supplies, but also standards and education.  The thing I really like about the approach of the CHLA Mongolia mission is their appreciation of those issues and the dedication to going there in order to provide not only education and support during the time that we are there, but also working with the health ministry to establish some standards for continuing education for physicians in Mongolia. Also, there is some effort being spent on extablishing internet based education and support materials for the doctors and nurses there.  I had lunch with the organizers yesterday, and got quite excited about what they're doing.  So now I'm trying to convince a few others to join me. Either way it is a great opportunity.

After spending a little over a week in Mongolia, I am going to continue on to Bali for some vacation while I am on the other side of the world.  I can't wait.  More to follow...

Something Good from Swine Flu

I happened to enter my hospital through the main entrance for the first time in weeks and walked straight into several signs warning everyone about extra precautions due to swine flu. Signs remarkably like this one.


Reading, don't visit if you have fevers, aches, chills, cough etc. Further, as staff of the hospital we have gotten multiple emails saying that if you have any of the above symptoms, you are to go to employee health and get swabbed to see if you have swine flu before you can work. The staying away from work if you have a cough, cold, chills etc., I get. The idea that we are to get screened and if it isn't swine flu you can work. That I don't get. But alas, baby steps right. baby steps.

I have made it clear that I find all of this swine flu hysteria a litte rediculous, but there may be some good messages coming out of it. I work at a Children's Hospital taking care of critically ill babies. Viruses that cause the common cold in adults and healthy, older children can be deadly to my patients. It seems like almost every year, we have some parent visit their child with a runny nose and wind up spreading their virus to their child and others. These same viruses that can cause severe respiratory issues and can be deadly to former preterm babies, babies with congenital heart disease, etc. and not even to mention all of the patients in this hospital getting chemotherapy. There are a hundred reasons to screen visitors before allowing them to come into the hospital and if swine flu is what has finally gotten this done. I'm OK with that. I just hope that people will continue to be vigilant when this hysteria has passed and realize how much broader the threat is to medically fragile babies and children.

Please think about these things before visiting the medically fragile, whether in the hospital or not. Thanks

Incarcerated?

I have recently posted several times- things like I'm incarcerated again, have I been bad. I'm incarcerated again, I've worked so many nights I feel like a vampire etc. People who know me now, know that means I am at work, but still they don't get the analogy. Truthfully, the nurses and respiratory therapists I work with don't get it either, as they will often reply "will then I'm incarcerated too." To which, I invariable respond, oh no you're not. You get bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, whatever breaks.. See there is a difference.

When I am at work overnight, there is only one of me, and I am in charge. Yes, I have my team, residents, nurse practitioners (during the day), fellows (sometimes) etc., but only one of me and ultimately everything that happens in my unit on my watch is my responsibility. That is the nature of the job. If I have done the teaching portion of my job well, than my team can handle 90% of what happens and so I hang in my office doing whatever it is that I do. However, we aren't allowed to leave, just in case. Invariably if I have a slow day and spend two hours getting work done in my office and then go to get food,or go to the restroom, or go outside- I'll get paged- invariably. Leading to my comment that we are really denied our civil liberties. There is no freedom for those hours, none.

Don't take this to mean I don't like my job, I do. I know that I am good at what I do. Take my recent 24 hour Saturday call, one of my friends on twitter made fun of me for not working too hard since I was tweeting. My response was "no one wants to know the truth of what I do." I believe that and trust me THAT wasn't a fun day, but I know that I left the babies better off than when I got there even the one who died peacefully in his parents arms. I know this, but still sometimes, it would be nice to be able to have a few moments to relax, at least to not be responsible while in the restroom. I'm just saying. So yes, it does feel like I'm incarcerated, held at the mercy of my little charges illnesses for the sentence imposed on me (tonight, only 14 hours). I hope that I do right by them. That is my overarching wish in my job to do right by the babies.

On Notre Dame and Obama

I started this post as a comment in response to a post that my friend from college wrote after reading the LA Times this morning, but it got long so I decided to put it here. Of course, Kim is much more eloquent than I will ever be, but this is how I see the swirling controversy surrounding our President giving the commencement address at my alma mater.

I consider myself extremely lucky to be a graduate of the University of Notre Dame, a school often labeled as one of the nation's premiere catholic institutions. A label it justly deserves as the very air of Notre Dame is infused with a spirtuality that is palpable. Some of the memories that I hold dear from my college years are the walks around the lakes, the visits to the grotto, dorm masses, walking across the parking lot at sunset hearing the band practice the alma mater, long nights hanging with my friends. The school makes no amends and offers no pretense of being anything other than a catholic institution, but it is also an institution of higher education and a welcoming place. People aren't turned away because they aren't catholic, differences of opinions are inevitably voiced and debated as occurs at any university. Albeit with a larger voice to more traditional. conservative values.

Barack Obama was invited to give the commencement address at this most conservative catholic university and he accepted. A dubious selection by the university, maybe. A PR opportunity for the president, maybe. People have protested this choice because he is pro choice, pro stem cell research. However, as ND's president Rev. Jenkins was quoted as saying "Others might have avoided this venue for that reason (knowing of the inevitable protests), but President Obama is not someone who stops talking with those who differ from him." For if you do not discuss things with those who see things differently than you than how can you ever reach compromise. Obama said in his speach "When we open up our hearts and minds to those who may not think precisely like we do or believe precisely what we believe that's when we discover at least the possibility of common ground." He also contended that the two sides of the abortion debate may have "irreconcilable differences", but they can also find a common ground in working to increase accessibility to adoption and in decreasing the rate of unintended pregnancies.

As an institution of higher education if Notre Dame was to shield its students from the political debates of our time because they disagree with the church than in my opinion the university wouldn't be doing its job to educate future members of society. If the clout of the university is such that the President will speak to its graduates as they head off into uncertain times, then I applaud them. Learning to find common ground in life, in jobs, in careers is essential. I am proud that Obama spoke at Notre Dame and that at least the majority of the university community welcomed him.

... just to clarify, no this doesn't mean I agree with all of Obamas politics