The tale of my left foot

Not really done!

2010-01-19T19:09:00.000-08:00

Today I endured almost 10 hours of tests. I was poked prodded, scanned, talked too and declared still healthy. Great News, I know!

But, there was a but! I hate exceptions! Today's was pointed. My achilles tendon is inflamed! It has hurt after my last few runs, it is stiff EVERY day. There is a spot that lights up on the MRI. It should be OK, but it isn't normal and I have to be careful.

My surgeon says I am healthy beyond what she ever expected. My sensation, my strength at my ankle given that my tumor was on the nerve is apparently amazing. I love that, but... The but is my ankle has been radiated and cut up, it will never be normal. No act of will on my part will make it so.

I know I shouldn't be sad, but I am. I want this behind me. I want to not have limits placed on me; however, sadly my reality is different. If I didn't respect my surgeon so much I'd have fought this, but I know she knows me, she knows my ankle, and she's worried. A ruptured radiated achilles would be BAD. I can accept limitations to avoid that. I can, really!

So, the good news I'm healthy. The bad news, I have to be careful.

I can deal. Getting and recovering from cancer in my ankle woke me up from being in horrible shape. A caution isn't a bad thing. I'm good, really I swear I am!

Moving On

2009-08-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

I have decided that The Tale of My Left Foot is done. 34 monthes ago, I had my first surgery on my ankle and 1 month later learned I had cancer. I have documented my journey, my triumphs, my failures, my fears and last weekend I completed a triathlon. So, now the "Tale" feels done. Thanks for travelling this road with me.

I can now be found at my new blog Call Me Dr. Lisa .

Thanks for taking this journey with me. I may come back....

Sometimes You Need an Ego Boost

2009-08-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

There are days when you wake up and just don’t feel like your mojo is quite where it should be. I was sort of been on a high after doing the triathlon and for one reason or another the last two days have been a little bit of a letdown. What goes up usually has to come down, even when the up is caused only by an infusion of sweat and adrenaline and not something illicit. Still “there is no drug like adrenaline.”

Fortunately, for me I had scheduled to get a Brazilian Blow Dry yesterday since I could finally keep my hair dry for the requisite post period, since I am no longer training. So yesterday I sat in my stylist's chair while she put stuff in my hair that smelled like strawberries and then flat ironed it all into my hair for what seemed like hours. The end result, long straight hair now flows from my head.

This morning my pillow smelled like fermented strawberries, but other than that, two seconds with a brush and my hair was perfect. Then I came to work and have had to “endure” people telling me how awesome I look all day. It is rough being beautiful.

Thanks for the ego boost everyone. I can always use it.

The Tale of My First Triathlon

2009-08-17T10:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I completed my first triathlon

On Saturday, I bundled my nervous energy into productivity and worked in my garden for hours, cleaned my house, and then headed off to pick up my bib number and timing chip to be ready for Sunday morning. Then off to my parents for a pre-race hot tub soak and pasta and protein dinner. Home, I put myself to bed by 10 and tried to find sleep with my mind going a thousand miles an hour. I was filled with that preanticipation anxiety/ excitement. Ultimately, sleep overtook me.

Sunday morning dawned EARLY, my alarm went off at 4:15, but I was already awake. I pulled myself out of bed, finished packing my bags, stretched, ate my 1st breakfast, and headed to my friend Jason's house, and then off we went to the Hansen Dam. We got registered, we got in the long line to settle into our transition area, we stretched, we chatted, I ate more and then soon it was race time...

We all lined up in order of age and gender as informed for out starting heat, and prepared to enter the MURKY waters of the Hansen Dam. The nervous energy in my body was palpable. I knew that I had done what I could to prepare, but I really didn't know what to expect, what the race would be like. So, as each group entered into the water, we all cheered and watched as first people started to come out of the water. Then next thing I knew it was the group before mine.

Preparing to enter the dam

I put on my goggles and told myself that this was just a warm up. An easy 500 yd swim, no big deal. They called out our group, I ran over the timing pad, into the water, started swimming. The water was so murky I couldn't even see my arms in the water, people were swimming all over me, running into each other etc. Then about 100 yds into it, I was in less crowded water, and then I realized I was way off course, I redirected. Turning the first corner, I finally felt like I was hitting my stride and then I took a breath on my left and the lifeguards were alongside me pointing to the right. I was in the middle of the dam, woops! They guided me back to the course and I had to keep checking to make sure I stayed on course. All said and done I probably swam an extra 100-150 yards. Once I found my way to the exit ramp I happily put my feet down and started to run up the ramp and over the timer mat. Thankful the swim was over. Swim time- 13:44 (disappointing)

Then into transition 1, I ran. I went to my spot, dried off my feet, put on my shoes and socks, grabbed some of my power bar and some water. Helmet on, I grabbed my bike and ran out to the appointed spot where I could get on my bike. T1-3:47

The bike was well, easy. I had done the majority of the course before with my friends. I was confident, I felt strong. I was able to keep my pace up hill and the downhills were great breaks. There was one turn that was a little hairy, but since I am cautious and slowed way down, and it was fine. I actually had fun on the bike. Then I got to the part where we had to dismount and again ran over the timer pad. Bike Time- 36:28

Entering transition 2, I grabbed more protein bar, more water, switched my helmet for a hat and ran out the other way over yet one more timer pad. T2- 1:29

Then I started to run, the first 0.5 miles was rough, I almost choaked on the water I tried to drink at the first water spot, but then I hit my stride. While I was sucking air, I was able to keep pace. I saw my friend heading towards the finish line as I crossed the first turn. Encouraged, I then heard them announce the first woman to finish who was named Lisa. She finished in just over an hour. Bolstered, I kept running. The last 0.5 mile was all uphill, but there was no way I'd walk. Pleased that my local runs are nothing if not hilly. I pushed forward. I entered the final stretch, they called my name out. I ran over one last timer pad, and I was done- Run time 27:05

Crossing the finish line

Standing there at the finish line were my friends and my cousin. I was so happy to hear them cheering for me. I was hot, sweaty and exhilirated. My Mom and Uncle came and joined us. I couldn't believe I did it. Total time- 1:22, not quite what I aimed for, but I am very proud.

My official times

Me post race with Jason and Ryan

Post Race with Elle

Thanks so much for all of the support and encouragement.

Why I'm doing a Triathlon

2009-08-14T14:37:00.000-07:00

This Sunday I will do my first triathlon, The Hansen Dam Triathlon. Something I NEVER thought I’d do. Triathlons always seemed to me the pinnacle of obsessive exercise behavior. Especially the Iron Man (which I still think is crazy), but my journey of the last two years has brought me to the point of embarking on this my first “sprint triathlon.”

How did I get here? Two years ago, I finished my radiation treatment for cancer of the ankle. It would be another month before I’d walk again. That left me having spent 8 months in various stages of immobility- crutches, cane, hospitalized on complete bed rest, wheelchair, crutches, cane, crutches non-weight bearing again. During all of this time, I learned many things about myself and had endless amounts of time to think about my life. Shortly after getting my diagnosis, I was told that amputation would likely be the only way to avoid a recurrence of my cancer, and after going through all of my surgeries and treatments, I still face the reality that IF I have a local recurrence (ie. if the sarcoma comes back in my ankle) given how much of my ankle has already been removed, amputation still might be the only option. This is my reality. I don’t think about it often, but there it is. Through out my whole ordeal, I questioned what was the purpose of these trials? Would there be one, and what would I miss the most? I fought against my dependence on others, but I also learned to ask for help.

I realized that many of the things I feared losing, I had lost by letting myself get out of shape through years of my own medical training and not prioritizing my own health. I vowed to change that as soon as I was allowed to exercise again. Once I was given the green light, I was doing physical therapy twice a week, I joined a gym (largely to be able to swim), shortly thereafter I started working out with a personal trainer. Over the months and months that followed I got back to where I was before the first surgery, but suddenly that wasn’t good enough. I committed to being as healthy as possible. I kept weight lifting. I was up to swimming 1500-2000 yards at a go, and I started swimming butterfly again. I decided to start running. I prioritized my own health and fitness.

Now two years after completing my treatment I am in better shape than I have been since high school (if not ever), healthy eating and exercising are staples in my life. My outlook has never been better. A few months ago, friends started asking me with the fact that I am a swimmer, and now I ran 2-4 miles a few days a week when would I do triathlon. My response the first several times was an emphatic never. However, it got me thinking, why not? With a commitment to training, I could totally do it. This athletic event that always seemed miles out of my reach, suddenly sounded possible. My scarred, weakened ankle and I started training. I was hooked, I committed to doing the triathlon with a friend. I’ve now been training for 5 months, and I am sure I’ll be able to finish, but I am hoping to make a specific time. That old competitive spirit is alive in me.

I am doing this triathlon as a testament to my recovery, as thanks to the people who helped me get through my journey, as an outward sign of making my health a priority in my life.

Thanks to all of you for supporting me along this journey!

Shedding my Shy Self

2009-08-06T20:34:00.000-07:00

The other day I got a DM (twitter direct message- sort of like a text message) from Michael aka badassdadblog, a guy I have never met but whom I follow on twitter asking me if I wanted to join him and his family at a scuba diving event/ BarBQue this weekend. We had previously tweeted about diving and the possibility of going soon. So this wasn't completely out of the blue. He sent me the facebook link to the event. I read about it. I really wanted to go, I have been wanting to go diving more, I need to expand my social network etc., but I get nervous. I asked a friend if she wants to come, but she has to work, ack. What if I look stupid by myself, what it, what if. Blahhhhk, I could make myself crazy. I investigated the event, decided I'd go with or without my friend. I talked to the organizer today. Will rent equipment tomorrow. It will be fun. I am really excited about it actually despite my shy misgivings. Watch out world this could be a whole new me.

Last time I was diving!

Objectivity

2009-07-31T19:36:00.001-07:00

I am a neonatologist, most of you know this. My specialty isn't all about happy endings and everything coming up roses. We deal with critically ill babies, babies so sick or with such rare diseases that they are transferred to us when they cannot be cared for in the community anymore. We have many wonderful success stories. I celebrate those because they keep me going through rough days. However, we also have many sad, sad stories and unfortunately some of the babies who come to us cannot be saved.

In my professional life, I am equally dedicated to saving the babies in my care who have a chance at survival and doing so with the highest level of skill and integrity that I can, as I am dedicated to not inflicting unnecessary suffering when it is clear that there is no possibility of survival. These dual goals of mine are not at all at odds with each other, but they do require extreme clarity and certainty of your knowledge. You must have the facts and when they are unclear fight for life. When the information is there you must be able to tell the family so they can understand and work towards acceptance. If you are not objective, this is not possible. There is a certain separation that must be maintained as the attending physician from your patients so that you can see clearly. This is why as physicians we do not care for family members, or those who are like family. Because try as you might, you cannot be objective. However, this is not in anyway to say that you should be withdrawn. As a neonatal intensivist, my humanity, my care, my concern is my center, my driving force. I must care, so that I can do my job to the best of my ability. As I have said the day that I do not shed a tear when a baby dies will be the day I quit. No questions asked, no second thoughts.

These thoughts have been in my head a lot lately. There are many reasons. Starting with my grandfather's stroke and continuing to what was not a very happy couple of weeks on service. Also, I have been trying to counsel some of my junior colleagues on these issues lately. It is not easy because everyone takes it so personally. I am far from perfect, but I do the best I can. I hope that I can still lead by example, and I hope that I can help my junior colleagues find their center in a place that will allow them to balance their lives and their patients lives.

On the side of the road..

2009-07-31T17:38:00.000-07:00

About 10 years ago, I was driving back home to DC from North Carolina in my OLD Toyota Corolla, the car I had had since I was 16. I was in the midst of some long expanse or road in the midst of nowhere southern Virginia... kabam my tire blew out. Going close to 80 miles an hour this can be issue, but I safely got myself over to the side of the road, took a couple of deep breaths and prepared to change my tire. While I was pulling my tire jack and the block of wood I kept in my trunk for just such occassions, I looked up. There was a guy in an SUV and a big rig truck both stopped on the shoulder in front of me and walking towards me. After a few seconds of panic, these two kind gentleman marveled at my preparedness and then offered to change my tire. Then Mr. Big Rig asked how much further I had to go- "to DC (a good 300 more miles)" I replied. "Well, that is too far to go on this tire (my spare that had already been used more than once)." He then called ahead on his radio (this was pre common cell phone usage) to an open service station told them I was a friend and to give me a good rate. He gave me directions and away I went after thanking them profusely. This whole escapade delayed my arrival back to the Nation's Capital by barely two hours.

I neglected to get these kind men's phone numbers or addresses or something to formally thank them. However, I have tried to "Pay It Forward." I have tried.

Today I headed out to Hansen Dam to test ride and run the triathlon course. Half of our group was really late so we left for the bike ride, went the wrong way so then decided to ride with the other the right way in lieu of running in the now almost noon day sun. The ride was great, invigorating even. After about 21 miles total, I was thinking this riding thing is no big deal when... Kabaam. My back tire was flat. About 3 miles from our destination, my tire not holding the air we tried to inflate it with and me lacking a spare, I waited at the side of the road. My friends were to come back to get me. I didn't have my cell phone, I had very little water, it was hot, but I waited patiently in the shade. For 30 minutes I sat on the side of the road in a decidedly non-picturesque, industrial neighborhood. Only 1 person asked if I was OK. No one asked if they could call someone for me. No one asked if I needed anything. Including the two policemen who drove by me. I just waited. I was fine, it was handled but...

I wondered, Are there no more Good Samaritans? Are we so jaded? My friend said it's a good thing, they might have been creeps if they had stopped, true I guess, but...

Safety First

2009-07-29T18:21:00.000-07:00

The triathlon that I decided to do in the throws of a break up is now less than 3 weeks away.

When I started this whole thing- I was running 2-3 days a week about 2 or so miles each time. The tri is a 3 mile run. So clearly, I had work to do there. I now run 4-5 miles 2-3 days week. A friend called me a runner the other day. I laughed at him. I still don't consider myself a runner. I may not be fast, but I think I'll be OK even if running after riding a bike is still kind of crazy.

Back at the start of this, I was swimming on average once a week putting in around 2000 yds in the pool and training butterfly. The tri is a 500 yd open water swim. I wasn't worried about that. I have been training and I'm a little faster, so I am confident there.

But the cycling.. I hadn't been on a bike in 9 years. I didn't have a bike that worked. I was scared of riding a bike with a lot of people around me. So, clearly- the biking was a problem. I borrowed a bike from a friend. It was an awesome road bike with the kind of pedals that require you to clip your shoes into the pedals. I was afraid of those. So, I bought new pedals and started riding. Guess what, I really like this cycling thing. I bought a road bike a few weeks ago, it also has the clip on pedal things. I looked at shoes, couldn't find my size ordered them online. They have finally arrived. I tried it out and immediately decided that for this race in 2 1/2 weeks, I am sticking to having my feet mobile. I'll learn to use those fancy shoes and pedals when I am not in countdown mode. Safety first, right?

The current state of the biking is that it's getting better, but it is still the hardest part for me. I only have to go 12 miles, so I think I can do it. I hope

2 1/2 more weeks- cheer me on, please!

Blogger Prom 09

2009-07-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

I suppose, I am a blogger. I mean I have a blog, right? Somewhere between 10-30 people visit it a day mostly brought here by interesting search items like "numb foot" or "sleeping through an MRI" or the "the roar of the greasepaint" (BTW- that is the most depressing post I ever wrote). Anyway, my point being I am far from being in the cool blogger kid club. But then I've rarely been in the cool club for much, so I am OK with that, and this site has served its purpose to be sure.

Still, when my friend Kim, who IS in the cool blogger club, invited me to go with her to the blogger prom. I accepted immediately. Over the years of going to blogger events with her, I have learned that this is actually a fun, welcoming, interesting crowd. Therefore, I found myself with a Christmas bow in my big hair in a borrowed dress in West Hollywood last week. The theme was cheesy prom attire. I borrowed an awesome dress from the Slackmistress and then went kind of Desparately Seeking Susan on it. Kim ever the one to stand out, actually wore her prom dress from high school (Yes, she still fits into it- she rocks).

Photo by Nina

We had a great time and yes the LA bloggers are an incredibly welcoming group.

Stink- I almost forgot to thank the Blogger Prom Committee- mea culpa- They did an amazing job!

2009 Blogger Prom Committee
Caroline of Caroline on Crack
Esther of e*starLA
H.C. of LA and OC Foodventures
Lindsay of LAist
Marni of Happy Go Marni
Maya of Shop Eat Sleep
Natalie of The Liquid Muse
Tara of When Tara Met Blog

Why Sadie is banished

2009-07-21T14:44:00.000-07:00

A month ago, I banished Sadie from my tri training runs because-

A) It is getting hot and she has black fur

B) She has very short legs

C) She likes to sniff the concrete every so often, which throws me off

D) I can now run further and faster than I used to and she now can't keep up. (see B)

E) All of the above

Well, last night she looked so pathetic by the time I finally set out for my run that I gave in and brought her with me. It was late enough that it wasn't so hot, and she was happy to not be banished that she behaved up until she almost tripped someone with her leash when she ran on the other side of a poor unsuspecting woman who walked into the middle of her leash. (OK, maybe that is my fault) I apologized profusely, no harm done, but I think that Sadie will have to stay banished from my long (for me) runs and certainly until after the tri. Sorry Sadie, it is for everyones safety.

Tri countdown- 26 days! EGADS

I know you hate this!

2009-07-15T16:11:00.000-07:00

When you were younger, you built a house of your own design with your own hands for your family. In later years, I watched in awe as you rebuilt the kitchen, and I questioned how you knew how to do it. You answered all of my numerous questions, you always did. When I was a small child, you built us a go-cart out of plywood and pushed my brother and I around the back patio until we, not you, tired. You used to let us sit on your back while you swam countless laps in the pool. You taught me advanced algebra when I was in junior high school. You were my young, healthy grandparent. You seemed invincible to me.

In more recent years, you showed me an article on the 50 worldwide destinations an avid traveler should go to. You had been to 36 of them. You told me stories of each. You recounted the numerous books you had read and why you enjoyed them. A few months ago, we sat around your most recent large jigsaw puzzle and you told me about going to the Chicago World Fair on your way out to Annapolis to start at the Naval Academy. You told me about dropping out of the Naval Academy to marry the love of your life. You’ve told me other stories too. You have lived a long and adventurous life.

Yesterday I visited you in a hospital room, you can barely move, you can’t speak, but you held my hand. You opened your once beautiful, clear blue eyes that are now cloudy and unfocused. You didn’t see me, but I saw you. You probably don’t know what has happened to you. You who have always been so proud and strong willed, lie in a hospital bed. My heart aches to see you like this. I know you hate it too.

To me you will always be the Johnny of my childhood. I love you!

Why I went to Kidspace

2009-07-14T21:45:00.000-07:00

I voluntarily went to a children’s museum last week. There is either something wrong with me, or I have a reason. Trust me, I have a reason!

My godson is 4 years old. I want him to know that we have a special relationship that I am one of the few adults outside of his family that he can count on. So, last year I decided that for his birthday he needs nothing material, but I want him to have childhood memories of our relationship. So, I started a tradition of taking him somewhere special for his birthday. His mom suggested the Noah’s Arc exhibit at the Skirball museum. It was a huge success.

So, this year, I stuck with the same plan and offered to take him on another day trip this year to Kidspace. I picked him up from daycare. He introduced me to his friends as his Auntie Lisa. I smiled. He had his happy face on the whole way to Kidspace. We took pictures when we arrived.

He discovered a model of the solar system

He climbed an ant hill

He made music using water guns on drums

He rode around the trail of trikes

Then we went to my parents house to get my dog, and we played bingo- he lost he didn’t care

I spent the day with my godson. It was priceless.

I thought i was doing well

2009-07-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

I went swimming this afternoon after hiking this morning. I am brimming with energy now and so happy to have been active all day and had an awesome lunch with my hiking buddy in between. Plus, it has been one of those days that has made me take pause and give thanks for my life and where I am physically and emotionally now. Here's why.

Whenever I go swimming I choose my lane carefully. Trying to avoid the old people who don't swim in straight lines and the young kids who are playing. When I got to the pool, there was one lane with a guy swimming beautiful clean, easy strokes, at a good clip. My kind of lane partner. I joined him and we pushed each other to keep our pace up. He took breaks, I did speed training, he did a long swim, with the styrofoam training thing between his legs (ie. not kicking), and then he got out of the pool. I was taking a break and noticed him getting out because he carefully raised his body out of the water. He swung his legs over, passively. Then he hoisted himself into a wheelchair, while saying to me "Nice Swim, see you soon." "Yeah, you too," I replied, "take care." I noticed it, I took pause. I hated being in a wheelchair. I feel so much sympathy when I see someone in them now. Especially, someone so young and vital and strong.

I feel like I have made such great strides in the two years since I was allowed to start walking again, but this guy. I know nothing of his story. I have no idea how long this has been his lot. I don't even know his name, but he made an impression on me. I hope he is well. I hope this is temporary and that his happy face isn't just a mask. I hope I see him swimming again.

Good Luck, Mr. Swimming Man. Thanks for making me appreciate things.

Reflections on New Intern Week

2009-06-26T15:50:00.000-07:00

It is new intern week in teaching hospitals all over the country. The bright, shiny faces of brand new doctors who have their degree but only limited practical experience enter into the world of their real medical education and in some cases indentured servitude. The past week I have watched the new interns being toured around my hospital, appearing in the cafeteria en masse all tanned and relaxed appearing. New intern week doesn't effect me too much because we don't let the interns anywhere near our unit. Still seeing them around reminds me of that time 12 years ago when I was one of those bright, smiling faces in a different hospital, but the same deal.

I did a pediatric residency, because I wanted to be a neonatologist. I am unusual like that. I didn't much like general peds, but it was a necessary step. Anyway, as I knew what I wanted to do, I wasn't too scared when I got my schedule and saw that I would start in the NICU. My two colleagues were petrified. I was excited. Even more so because I'd be on call that very first night as an intern. We got oriented, we did our work. We had almost no idea how to do anything, but our chief resident and fellow were very helpful and supportive. We all got through the day, my new friends left, and I stayed behind to take my first call. A very brief time later, I attended my first ever delivery of a 25 week, 500 something gram baby. My fellow did most of the work, but she taught me what needed to be done and how to do several new (to me) procedures that night. That little boy became my patient, my teacher. He taught me so many of the fundamentals that I still use today. I followed him all month and then when he was ready to go home, I became his general pediatrician. He actually made it through his course of being a 25 weeker without any signfiicant complications and by the time, I left residency he was 3 and doing remarkably well. He was the last patient I ever saw in a general pediatric clinic. I still get letters from his mom every so often. I will think of him celebrating his 12th birthday this week. I hope he is well.

This morning watching the new interns at breakfast, I was reminded of that long ago night, and that little boy. I was also reminded of who I was all those years ago. I hope that I haven't totally lost the amazement that I felt in caring for this little tiny baby. Certainly, I know what I'm doing now, and I have been to hundreds of deliveries like his, but he is special to me still. Also, I hope that I will never lose the drive that brought me into this career and that makes it more than just a job.

My dog has brain damage

2009-06-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

I am convinced my dog, Sadie, has brain damage.

Last night, I was eating with a friend outside, when all of a sudden Sadie is facing a low lying brick planter wall with her hackles raised, growling. My generally sweet tempered dog was clearly incensed. The growling continued and escalated, her ears and tails were down as she pawed at the ground, and then started barking. As we tried to control our laughter at my dogs stalking of a wall, I went over to asses the danger. She became frantic that her foe would hurt me. Turns out the "foe" was a small FEATHER. Yep, my brain damaged dog thought I was going to be attacked by a feather.

I certainly sleep better at night knowing what a good guard dog lives in my house.

Who me, I didn't do anything.

Destination: The Far East

2009-06-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

I've done my share of travelling. I've done my share of medical volunteer work, locally and abroad. I've been to Nicaragua several times and had to cancel a trip when I got sick. Ever since then, I've been searching for opportunitites to get back in touch with that side of me that is fueled by being involved in something so much bigger than yourself. I have had many opportunities presented to me over the last year, but for one reason or another none worked out. However, a few weeks ago I was contacted to join CHLA's trip to Mongolia as they wanted to focus on some more maternal- fetal- neonatal health issues this trip. The trip works with my schedule, works with my plans and so I'm in. Plane tickets are reserved and will be paid for by the end of the day. I've never been to Asia, I'm a little nervous, but I'm really excited.

One of the big issues with this kind of work is to find a way to make sustainable differences in the healthcare in developing nations. This is a huge topic and used to be a source of much dialogue amongst the Nicaraguan group. Certainly they need supplies, but also standards and education. The thing I really like about the approach of the CHLA Mongolia mission is their appreciation of those issues and the dedication to going there in order to provide not only education and support during the time that we are there, but also working with the health ministry to establish some standards for continuing education for physicians in Mongolia. Also, there is some effort being spent on extablishing internet based education and support materials for the doctors and nurses there. I had lunch with the organizers yesterday, and got quite excited about what they're doing. So now I'm trying to convince a few others to join me. Either way it is a great opportunity.

After spending a little over a week in Mongolia, I am going to continue on to Bali for some vacation while I am on the other side of the world. I can't wait. More to follow...

Something Good from Swine Flu

2009-05-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

I happened to enter my hospital through the main entrance for the first time in weeks and walked straight into several signs warning everyone about extra precautions due to swine flu. Signs remarkably like this one.

Reading, don't visit if you have fevers, aches, chills, cough etc. Further, as staff of the hospital we have gotten multiple emails saying that if you have any of the above symptoms, you are to go to employee health and get swabbed to see if you have swine flu before you can work. The staying away from work if you have a cough, cold, chills etc., I get. The idea that we are to get screened and if it isn't swine flu you can work. That I don't get. But alas, baby steps right. baby steps.

I have made it clear that I find all of this swine flu hysteria a litte rediculous, but there may be some good messages coming out of it. I work at a Children's Hospital taking care of critically ill babies. Viruses that cause the common cold in adults and healthy, older children can be deadly to my patients. It seems like almost every year, we have some parent visit their child with a runny nose and wind up spreading their virus to their child and others. These same viruses that can cause severe respiratory issues and can be deadly to former preterm babies, babies with congenital heart disease, etc. and not even to mention all of the patients in this hospital getting chemotherapy. There are a hundred reasons to screen visitors before allowing them to come into the hospital and if swine flu is what has finally gotten this done. I'm OK with that. I just hope that people will continue to be vigilant when this hysteria has passed and realize how much broader the threat is to medically fragile babies and children.

Please think about these things before visiting the medically fragile, whether in the hospital or not. Thanks

Incarcerated?

2009-05-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

I have recently posted several times- things like I'm incarcerated again, have I been bad. I'm incarcerated again, I've worked so many nights I feel like a vampire etc. People who know me now, know that means I am at work, but still they don't get the analogy. Truthfully, the nurses and respiratory therapists I work with don't get it either, as they will often reply "will then I'm incarcerated too." To which, I invariable respond, oh no you're not. You get bathroom breaks, lunch breaks, whatever breaks.. See there is a difference.

When I am at work overnight, there is only one of me, and I am in charge. Yes, I have my team, residents, nurse practitioners (during the day), fellows (sometimes) etc., but only one of me and ultimately everything that happens in my unit on my watch is my responsibility. That is the nature of the job. If I have done the teaching portion of my job well, than my team can handle 90% of what happens and so I hang in my office doing whatever it is that I do. However, we aren't allowed to leave, just in case. Invariably if I have a slow day and spend two hours getting work done in my office and then go to get food,or go to the restroom, or go outside- I'll get paged- invariably. Leading to my comment that we are really denied our civil liberties. There is no freedom for those hours, none.

Don't take this to mean I don't like my job, I do. I know that I am good at what I do. Take my recent 24 hour Saturday call, one of my friends on twitter made fun of me for not working too hard since I was tweeting. My response was "no one wants to know the truth of what I do." I believe that and trust me THAT wasn't a fun day, but I know that I left the babies better off than when I got there even the one who died peacefully in his parents arms. I know this, but still sometimes, it would be nice to be able to have a few moments to relax, at least to not be responsible while in the restroom. I'm just saying. So yes, it does feel like I'm incarcerated, held at the mercy of my little charges illnesses for the sentence imposed on me (tonight, only 14 hours). I hope that I do right by them. That is my overarching wish in my job to do right by the babies.

On Notre Dame and Obama

2009-05-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

I started this post as a comment in response to a post that my friend from college wrote after reading the LA Times this morning, but it got long so I decided to put it here. Of course, Kim is much more eloquent than I will ever be, but this is how I see the swirling controversy surrounding our President giving the commencement address at my alma mater.

I consider myself extremely lucky to be a graduate of the University of Notre Dame, a school often labeled as one of the nation's premiere catholic institutions. A label it justly deserves as the very air of Notre Dame is infused with a spirtuality that is palpable. Some of the memories that I hold dear from my college years are the walks around the lakes, the visits to the grotto, dorm masses, walking across the parking lot at sunset hearing the band practice the alma mater, long nights hanging with my friends. The school makes no amends and offers no pretense of being anything other than a catholic institution, but it is also an institution of higher education and a welcoming place. People aren't turned away because they aren't catholic, differences of opinions are inevitably voiced and debated as occurs at any university. Albeit with a larger voice to more traditional. conservative values.

Barack Obama was invited to give the commencement address at this most conservative catholic university and he accepted. A dubious selection by the university, maybe. A PR opportunity for the president, maybe. People have protested this choice because he is pro choice, pro stem cell research. However, as ND's president Rev. Jenkins was quoted as saying "Others might have avoided this venue for that reason (knowing of the inevitable protests), but President Obama is not someone who stops talking with those who differ from him." For if you do not discuss things with those who see things differently than you than how can you ever reach compromise. Obama said in his speach "When we open up our hearts and minds to those who may not think precisely like we do or believe precisely what we believe that's when we discover at least the possibility of common ground." He also contended that the two sides of the abortion debate may have "irreconcilable differences", but they can also find a common ground in working to increase accessibility to adoption and in decreasing the rate of unintended pregnancies.

As an institution of higher education if Notre Dame was to shield its students from the political debates of our time because they disagree with the church than in my opinion the university wouldn't be doing its job to educate future members of society. If the clout of the university is such that the President will speak to its graduates as they head off into uncertain times, then I applaud them. Learning to find common ground in life, in jobs, in careers is essential. I am proud that Obama spoke at Notre Dame and that at least the majority of the university community welcomed him.

... just to clarify, no this doesn't mean I agree with all of Obamas politics

Soak up the Sun

2009-05-09T08:07:00.000-07:00

I have recently been in a funk; the reasons are many and varied. Also, it seems like a lot of people around me are in funks too. Now there are lots of really good reasons for such malcontent, but often it seems that they lie in wanting something you don’t have: a career you believe in, enough money, the perfect relationship, health, a child, a healthy child, a change in some circumstance etc, etc. My funk certainly fills some of those bills.

As I’ve said before, Sheryl Crow is one of my favorites. I love her new album. “Soak up the Sun” definately is near the top of my list. I’ve always loved the beat, it makes me run faster, it will keep me on the elliptical. I’ve heard that song enough that I should and do know the lyrics by heart. So, it surprised me the other day, when it came on while I was driving and all of a sudden a single line hit me. “It’s not having what you want, but wanting what you’ve got.” I played it again, and a light bulb burst on over my head. That is the point. This song would be my new mantra. It’s not easy, it is human nature to want to keep up with the Jones’s as it were, but when I really look at things I am inordinately blessed. The funk didn’t get banished immediately, but ultimately it got pushed out of my conscious thought. The motto, not easy, but a work in progress it is. So, I’m off to “Soak up the Sun,” thanks Sheryl.

Good News and Caution

2009-05-05T11:01:00.001-07:00

Back in New York, I have now finished my scans, tests and seen my favorite ortho onc, and I'm still healthy. Yep declared to be in excellent shape. No sign of any recurrent or metastatic disease. She was amazed by how much I can do, how strong my ankle. Everyhting is good. We went through the usual discussion of my recent athletic pursuits and she gave me that look. That look I remember from when I asked if I could get out of the wheelchair because I wanted to exercise by using crutches. Well, not quite the same but still I knew the look. She is happy about what I can do, happy about how strong I am, proud that I have focused on getting healthy and strong, but worried about me starting to run long distances. She is OK with the triathlon, but warned against pushing myself to hard. As she says the constant banging on a post radiation heel and ankle can be hard on the ankle. Further, apparently the radiation weakens the bone and makes stress fractures more likely and post radiation stress fractures might never heel. So, Be Careful is what she said. She wants a picture of me crossing the finish line. She was not so subtle about pursuing any longer distance running- that got a serious negative.

Ok, I can deal with all of this. I'll listen to my body. I'll be careful, I promise. I worked too hard to keep my ankle and to get in shape to let anything derail that.

Train of Tranquility

2009-05-04T15:18:00.000-07:00

For the past two and a half days I have been at the Pediatric Academic Societies meetings in Baltimore, MD. For two and a half days, I have had to be “on” from pretty much the moment I wake up until I go to bed (which has been well after midnight every night). I discussed a paper I’m working on while on the elliptical, connected with old colleagues in line for coffee, etc., etc. My brief respite was dinner at my Aunt and Uncles on Saturday night, a meal of great hilarity as we participated in what my cousin calls “full contact dining- bring your armor and your wit, or you’ll be either torn apart or left behind” I love my family. Anyway, point being- I’m exhauseted. The kind of exhausted where you are on sensory overload and a little amped on caffeine to get through my 7 am breakfast meeting today. The kind of exhausted where you’ve been rushing from point A to point B for so many days, you forget how to stop.

So, when I arrived at the Amtrak station to get on my train to New York for my biannual check up and saw there was a quiet room, I made a beeline. The trip from Baltimore to NYC aboard the express train took slightly less than three hours. For three hours, I sat in blissful silence broken only by the conductor announcing the next city. I napped, I read, I wrote, I stared out the window. Ah, such bliss before the sensory assault that is New York City.

Tales of my Own Stupidity

2009-05-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

Before this morning, I had missed two flights in my life.

The first one was totally my fault. I was in Nicaragua and misread the departure time of my connecting flight as the departure from Managua (this after I’d checked my luggage mind you). When I returned to the airport two hours late for my flight, I learned of my mistake. I made it home 24 hours and fair chunk of change later without my bags in the same clothes I’d worn for 48 hours. I ultimately got my bags back a month and a half later. Not one of my best maneuvers ever, clearly.

The second, I was flying to DC for my cousins wedding. I left my house two hours before the flight, but hit traffic, and delays getting the shuttle from the parking lot found me in line to check in and check my bag 42 minutes before the flight. The two people in front of me were on the same flight, they checked in- then the flight attendant lady said- nope you missed the “40 minute window.” But, but… I stammered, no luck. She rerouted me to a later non-direct flight, I made it through security before they even began boarding my original flight. I tried to sweet talk my way onto that flight, but nope. Defeated, I accepted my fate.

Then there is the flight I tried to get on 24 hours early, but THAT story’s already been told.

So, this morning… I found myself once again heading to DC on a direct flight. (I believe this might be the first time since that last ill-fated journey.) I was ready to leave my house two hours before my flight. My car was loaded, I’d eaten first breakfast, left my dog crying on the stairwell when I realized, I’d forgotten my sweater. I ran upstairs to the chair said sweater had rested on yesterday, but my ever efficient cleaning lady had moved it. Oops, I ran around the house for 10 minutes looking for the stupid sweater, never found, pulled down a replacement. OK, 10 minutes late, but I should still be fine. Checked sigalert.com, bad traffic on the freeway I was headed towards, I took a detour- Bad Idea. Worse traffic there. Oh well, I was still OK. More traffic on the freeway, now I’m beginning to panic. Arrive at the parking garage, 45 minutes before my flight, need to wait for shuttle. Woops, I try to get on line on my phone and check in, but nope- you can’t check in from the internet within 1 hour of your flight. This is looking bad. OK, I don’t have to check my luggage, I’m fine, right? Shuttle guy finally pulls up several minutes later. I arrive at the electronic check-in thingy with 29 minutes to go to departure time. No dice, I can’t check- in. URGG.. Long day at the airport ensues. Cancel plans with my family for tonight, flight rescheduled. I prepare to become passive and just go with it, while internally screaming at myself.

Morals to the story-
1- check-in to your flight from home before you leave it so you don’t have to deal with arbitrary time cut offs
2- If you can’t find your sweater, chose a different one immediately, or just buy one at the airport, anything
3- Or better yet, put stupid sweater away where you know where it is before it is mysteriously moved by said cleaning lady.
4- Maybe for a 9am flight from LAX leaving your house at 7am is really just too late. Maybe

Simple Things That Make Me Happy

2009-04-20T17:27:00.001-07:00

As many of you know, I have been in a little bit of a funk lately. I'm out of it now thankfully, but it got me thinking about the simple things I do almost every day that make me smile. Here is the most recent.

When I first moved into my house, I immediately tore out all of the iceplant on the hillside in front of my house, and replanted it in a Tuscan/ Califonia themed, water conscious garden. I chose every plant myself for its shape, color, smell etc. It occupied me for months. I spent special attention choosing the rosebushes that line my stairs. The one that is on the landing was the hardest. It took me forever to find it, but when I finally did, it was chosen for not only the color of the flowers, but the smell of the roses. (Yep, I can get obsessed that way.) As I walk down those stairs everyday, before my first cup of coffee, I stop and smell the roses and I smile. It is a simple act, but it connects me. It grounds me in a fundamental way.

The best smelling roses ever.

The other roses along the stairwell.

How Safe is Your Home Birth?

2009-04-15T10:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I read my friend Jessica's post on a home birth turned tragedy, and immediately replied that I'd weigh in on it today. The tragedy, the death of a baby born in an unassisted, unmonitored home birth. So, here I am.

As a neonatologist, my profession, my passion is taking care of critically ill babies, most of whom would not survive without medical assistance. I live in the world of the <1% of births that go really wrong. Approximately 10% of babies require some assistance at birth, included in that number is the ever increasing percentage of preterm births. And yet still many argue that we are "medicalizing" a process that is natural and has occurred without medical assistance for thousands of years. True, but for those same thousands of years there was generally a midwife or some trained person who assisted the the delivery. Further, for those same thousands of years childbirth was the number one cause of death for women and babies. Like I said, I live in the world of 1%. I have seen crazy things. There is one case that is burned into my mind of a home birth where the mom refused to listen to the midwife and her husband and go to the hospital when things started to go wrong. After the woman passed out, the midwife drove her to the hospital, the baby was delivered, saved, but left neurologically devastated because of waiting too long. A few hours earlier, they might have had a healthy baby. The list is long and bad things happen even under the best of care, but wouldn't you want a chance to intervene if things start to go wrong, a chance for the baby and the mom.

Reading the article about this woman in Australia it is clear that her labor was not going as planned, that she had to have an emergency c-section for her first child makes it even less safe for her to be completely unmonitored and unassisted. That she labored for 5 days, something no physician or midwife would allow, especially with the risk of uterine rupture after a prior c-section. That the baby is dead is a tragedy. Could medical intervention definitely have changed the outcome, no. However, it would have given this baby a chance.

Just like riding a bike

2009-04-04T10:53:00.001-07:00

I'm one week into having committed to this triathalon thing and the training has begun. As I said before, I'm confident I can handle the swim. The run will be rough because it is last, and 4 miles is pretty much the longest I've run. So I definitely have to work up my running tolerance... However, I haven't been on a bike in years.

So, phase 1 of triathalon training is to get comfortable riding a rode bike. A friend from work lent me a Bianchi rode bike. I had to get new pedals for it last weekend because I'm not quite ready to have my shoes clipped into the bike pedals. Maybe that will come. Then I had to start riding the bike. People always use the phrase "just like riding a bike" to describe something that should be rote muscle memory. Something you haven't done in years, but that comes back to you immediately when you try again. I am here to tell you IT ISN'T QUITE THAT EASY. It is going to take some work for me to get really comfortable on this bike. So, that is phase 1 of triathalon training. Oh yeah, and to continue to build up my cardio toleranace. On that note off to the gym I go.

Are Hospitals promoting Health?

2009-04-02T17:41:00.000-07:00

I put this post up on facebook from work the other night when I discovered that the food that I had brought to be my evening snack was bad. It was simple- "I'm in trouble, I'm at work, I'm hungry and my hummus is bad. What will I eat?". This was after spending 2 hours at the gym earlier in the day which always leaves me somewhat hyperphagic and after recommitting to my healthy eating habits. So, there I sat HUNGRY with just plain celery to eat. As I munched away on my celery I pondered my possibilities to get something solid to eat and got some hilarious comments from my friends. The sad reality is that at 8 pmon a weeknight while stuck in the hospital, my options are limited. There is a McDonalds in the hospital open 24 hours, but I won't eat there. The cafeteria has almost nothing by processed overly salted food I wont' eat and if it were a weekend it wouldn't even be open at all. I found an old banana in my desk drawer and some trail mix.

So there you have it my options were McDonalds v. processed cafeteria food v. old food leftovers in my desk drawer. Fortunately, the food in my drawer wasn't bad so I ate that. However, it really is a sad commentary that at an institution that is supposed to be promoting health there is nothing healthy to eat. In an era when childhood obesity is an evergrowing problem, The only place to buy food from at on certain hours and on the weekends at a large freestanding Childrens Hospital is McDonalds. Is the hospital really promoting health? And it is not unique to this hospital. I have worked at several children's hospitals in the country and most of them have a McDonalds because of the link to Ronald McDonald houses, and most of them primarily serve unhealthy, fried food in the cafeteria. As leaders in pediatric healthcare shouldn't we be promoting healthy lifestyles? I don't get it. As I lay in my bed hungry that night this thought plagued me.

Tonight when I came to work I packed plenty of healthy food and made sure it was all still good.

To vaccinate or not to Vaccinate

2009-03-30T19:25:00.001-07:00

I read this article in the LA Times yesterday about vaccines and recent outbreaks of Measles in certain communities and it made me mad. I well realize that parents on both sides of this argument feel very strongly. So, this could get me in trouble, but I'm willing to take the risk. The gist of the article is that in California there is a rising number of kindergartners who are getting vaccine exemptions (essentially the parents saying we don't believe in vaccinating our kid). They just have to sign a form and the kid can enter school unvaccinated. This isn't such a problem if the majority of the other kids are vaccinated, but with as few as 5-10% unvaccinated kids you can get mini epidemics of diseases that are otherwise quite rare these days, ie measles, mumps, diptheria etc. According to the LA times there have been several such measles outbreaks in the San Diego and the rate of unvaccinated kids is especially worrisome in several charter schools and non-catholic private schools.

OK, here is my take on this vaccine thing. When I was a pediatric resident at the beginning of every year in clinic we reviewed the vaccine schedule, risks and benefits of all the vaccines and why we vaccinate against them. As you can imagine being me, by the time we were third years my friend and I would joke that the reason to vaccinate against these diseases is because they can KILL. Most of the diseases vaccinated against are things that kill people. (OK recently we've added a few not so deadly disease to vaccinate against and I used to use this same argument to question if that was right). But I digress the main issue at hand seems to largely be the Measles/Mumps/Rubella vaccine (MMR). This one started to fall out of favor after an article linked it to autism. The fallacy of that study is that autism typically becomes apparent around 15-18 months and almost every child gets the MMR at 12-15 months. The two were temporally linked, nothing more. The only study that really looked at vaccines and autism rates showed no difference. So, my argument and what I used to advise people to do if they were really worried was just delay the shot until their child was already talking. OK, so there is the mercury thing, but manufacturers have gotten into that and combined more shots and made more of the vaccines without the mercury contained preservative so that is pretty much a nonissue. Of course, again, you can delay, space them out and make it even less of an issue if really worried.

So back to the diseases behind the vaccines, why care. Let's start with measles since that was what the article was about. Measles still exists in the US and is especially prevalent in certain European countries, not to mention less developed nations. Measles isn't so bad for the average school age kid, but it is DEADLY for infants, and not good for the elderly or immunocompromised. I took care of a 9 month old infant who had measles encephalitis as a resident. The child spent two weeks essentially comatose. She ultimately went home, but the long term effects are likely significant. Hello this baby almost died, her parents were rightly infuriated and scared.

How did she get it? Her older sibling's friend wasn't vaccinated. She came home from vacation with measles and before she got sick played at the vaccinated friends house. Thereby exposing the unprotected child. The child who was too young to get vaccinated even though her parents would have. You see there is the problem. It isn't just one kid. It effects the community. The LA times article had several similar vignettes of infants under 1 year of age being exposed to measles by unvaccinated friends of their older siblings. The year before the measles vaccine was released- ~500 people died from the measles and ~4500 kids had measles encephalitis. Do I really need to say more?

OK, so now mumps. Mumps doesn't seem so bad, right? It used to be the biggest cause of male infertility. That's right mumps infections in prepubescent or adolescent boys can leave them infertile. How about Polio? Now eradicated from the Western Hemisphere, but its long term effects were devastating.

I could go on, but I think I have said enough. I guess my bias is obvious. Please people vaccinate your kids. If you're really worried, it isn't terrible to slow down the vaccinations, but please. These are bad diseases.

Let the Insanity Begin

2009-03-23T16:42:00.000-07:00

So, all of you who have read this know that I used to be a competitive swimmer. Serious emphasis on the used to be part, but as of late I have been swimming again. I have even tried to train to swim the 100 fly once again. My time is not so far off from what it used to be. I count that as one of my many blessings. Further, in my new found pursuit of health and fitness I have started to run. Nothing crazy, but I routinely run 2-3 miles, 2-3 days a week. I have never considered myself a runner, but nonetheless it isn't that hard. When I lived in DC, I used to bike. I would bike the 25 miles or so down the Potomac to Mt. Vernon and then take the subway back, at the time it was my escape. I loved it. So naturally, lately many friends have been asking when as a swimmer and now a runner, who used to bike would I do my first triathalon. My response, had been umm- never, but it got me thinking. Why not. I'm in good enough shape, a half mile swim is still a warm up to me, a 3 mile run something I do when I don't have time to work out. I can do this. So, I have officially agreed to do my first triathalon- 0.5 mile swim, 12 mile bike, 3 mile run. It is in August. I'm doing it with my trainer and friend, Jason.

Let the insanity begin. God knows where this one could lead.

Lost Hour

2009-03-09T12:59:00.000-07:00

I love daylight savings time. That magical change in the clock that all of a sudden gives me sunlight when I get home from work. Really I do. However, yesterday I never quite seemed to recover form having lost an hour. I spent the whole day feeling behind schedule and wound up not getting everything in, then this morning 5:45 came terribly early. I know I'll be happy about this in a few days, but today I'm tired.

Words

2009-03-06T10:38:00.000-08:00

I am reading a beautifully written book now, Edgar Sawtelle. The author has the sort of mastery of language that I love and can't read fast enough, but don't want to end. The protagonist of the story is a child born without the ability to speak and the dog who decides his purpose is to be the boys protector. I'm half way through it and it is the kind of book that I know I'll be sad to finish, but it has me thinking about the power of words. The ability of language spoken and unspoken to provide support or cause pain, to share emotions, to transcend time, to inspire or to belittle.

As a physician I have worked to become aware of the ambiguity of language and have trained myself to speak as precisely as possible. I work towards perfecting the skills of delivering bad news with compassion but strength, but still there are times when I know that the words that are about to come out of my mouth are going to change a family's life forever and cause them nightmares and inordinate suffering. Yesterday was such a day. I fight my own personality which is to spread cheer and not cause pain by trying to not say such things, but sometimes you must, and I firmly believe that it is worse to withhold the information. However, the aftereffects of delivering such news are rough to bear witness to. I only hope that we (my coworkers and team) can also use our language spoken and unspoken to support too.

Business Trip?

2009-02-27T15:42:00.000-08:00

How many people in corporate America take a day off to play golf and then claim that they get good work done on the golf course, forge contacts, build teamword, etc. right? That is the excuse that thousands across the US use for their corporate expensed golf games, country club memborships etc. I just got back from using similar logic on the ski slope although I actually did attend a conference and even had to present some of my data and had two former mentors show some of my slides. I had lunch and skied Tuesday afternoon for awhile iwth my former boss and mentor and discussed plans for some future papers. So, really I was working, I swear.

That being said the Rockies are beautiful. I spent the weekend in Denver, truly working then 4 of us rented a car and drove up to Keystone in the midst of a major snow storm that dropped at least a foot of fresh powder on the hill. On Tuesday morning the sun was out, fresh powder was all around and as soon as I could escape the meeting, I suited up and hit the slopes. I demo'd an amazing pair of skis. Volkl's made for women. They were so great to ski on, too bad I could never afford to buy them. The conditions rocked and Wednesday was even better. On wednesday, I skied by myself and kicked my tail as I spent about 6 hours with nary a break charging down the slopes. Lefty held up although she was seriously sore after Wednesday. The mountains awesome. Sometimes I love my job.

A little of the Colorado Rockies

Inspirational?

2009-02-11T19:46:00.001-08:00

One of my friends has currently gone back to school to get a masters in medical ethics. Her most recent assignment was to write a paper on someone who had gone through a significant illness and how their background impacted their coping and adjustment to that illness. She chose to interview me. In preparing to for the interview, she sent me a list of questions and answered many of them with links to posts I have written over the last two years. I reread parts of this narrative that I haven't looked at in a long time, and I laughed and cried with myself again. I just read her paper. I know it's about me, but sometimes I forget.

This was her summary:

"In summation, Lisa’s illness narrative is an amazing one, and one that I wish I could tell more of. Her illness experience spans the range of human emotions, triumphs and defeats. Lisa shared her humanity, her strength and her fortitude to take on a frightening, painful and long illness and turn it into a life learning experience. She used her illness to emerge a stronger, more compassionate, more health conscious individual. She used her illness experience to emerge a more understanding physician of the demands that illness places on effected patients and their families. She has used her illness experience to grow in cherishing her family and friendships. She seems to have genuinely learned the value of herself, her self-worth and really used the experience to better herself and enrich her life. Her story is compelling and one that serves to only inspire anyone who has the fortune of hearing it. "

Aw, shucks, who knew I was inspiring- thanks BB

Collections

2009-02-05T19:42:00.000-08:00

I quick look around my house will reveal several collections, things that I have collected or kept over long periods of time. These collections tell little stories about my life, who I am, who I used to be, and what my hobbies are. They are a little like an archeological expedition into my life. There is the fact that I have 5 bookshelves all full to the brim with books I've read, want to read or am reading. The styles and genre vary, but there is no way you could spend more than 5 minutes in my house and not know that I read, a lot. There is my Lladro those beautiful porcelain figurines that are sweet reminders of my time in Spain. My shot glass collection that reflects my college years and life in my 20s. My Zaworski (sp) crystal collection, my collection of puzzles, etc. You get the idea.

Then there is my other collection that is not so visible, but apparent to most people who know me and was brought to my attention when I sent a simple email today. I was explaining to a friend that I had to change my plans for Friday because I had to go pick up my friend Lisa's car. I got back a two work email "Which Lisa." Valid question, you see, I collect friends who share my first name. How this started I'll never know, but by now it is rediculous. In college, I lived with two other girls named Lisa, they are still two of my closest friends. When I went to school in Boston, I immediately became friends with a Lisa. In residency, one of my closest friends- you guessed it Lisa (but then I had two other really good friends both named Kathy). Then I moved to Chicago and my lab had 5 women in it and 3 of us were name Lisa. Those two Lisa's are still friends, and one of them is another of my dearest friends and the person in question whose car I have to drive to Long Beach in the rain tomorrow to get. Does it say something about me that I have so many friends with my same name? Or does it just mean that Lisa was a seriously popular name round about the late 60s early 70s? and it wasn't a local phenomenon. No two of these assorted women were born in the same state as another (except two who are from Phili), and one was born abroad. Nope just random that I count upwards of 10 Lisas as friends. No idea if this says something about me, but it is curious.

Nonetheless I love my Lisa's. They rock

A Day at the Races

2009-02-04T17:42:00.001-08:00

I grew up a few short miles from Santa Anita Race Track. I learned how to drive in the race track parking lot. i have been to mulitple random events at the Race Track, but I had never seen the horses race there until Saturday when some friends from work invited me to join them. I immediately accepted, because I had been wanting to go for awhile. We got comped tickets to a box on the clubhouse level. We were a little too high up to fully get to see the view, but the day was beautiful. A perfect setting for a fun Southern California day. We studied the program and in the first race was a horse who caught my attention "Devil Cat MD." That so was going to be my horse. My friend, Sandy explained the details of horse betting to us and I placed an expecta box bet on Devil Cat MD and horse #3(whose name currently escapes me). Essentially I was betting that these two horses would come in 1,2. We watched the race and Devil Cat MD won and horse #3 came in 2nd. My first bet on a horse race ever and I won an expect box. I was thrilled. Not so much success would follow, but alas it was still a great day at the Race Track.

I forgot my camera, so these were taken with my phone. They at least give an idea.

Leslie and Sandy in our box

The horses racing to a photo finish on the turf

Horses being lead out to race

Oh and if you go to the races, and are hungry- my advice, skip the regular concessions and go for the hand carved sandwiches. I had turkey on sourdough. I couldn't quite eat the bread, but the turkey was awesome. My friend got roast beef on rye which looked super good too.

Out with the OldIn with the new

2009-01-21T10:38:00.001-08:00

In honor of the peaceful and historic change of the presidency yesterday, I have begun a purging of my own. I walked into my office yesterday and started searching for a random but very important piece of paper and threw up my hands at the chaos of my desk. So, project declutter began. I have completely cleaned off my desk (Of course, my office floor is now littered with papers and folders, but they are slowly getting filed away). It feels good to restore order. So good, that I carried the project home with me, where I commenced in a similar clean out phase in my home office and next in line my closet. My closet is full of clothes that are too big for me. I have given some away, I am getting some altered, but then the perenial question remains. Do i stick to optimism and say that I will never ever be a size 12-16 again and get rid of those clothes, or alter them all. Or do I store some in case I back slide. I want to go for optimism, but buying and paying for altering for a whole new wardrobe is causing me financial pain right now. But then, I am vowing to never go back, right? But the little devil in my head says yeah but look at Oprah (although, all who know me, know i hate Oprah) So, I write, non-eloquently at that, about my internal debate so that I don't feel like I belong in the United States of Tara.

Alas, for now- project out with the old, in with new- will be organization and moving to a different closet I think.

Can California Really Do That??

2009-01-19T10:20:00.000-08:00

So, as pretty much everyone knows California is broke. I mean really broke. I argued this point when the elections came around and the stupid people of California voted for more spending, but alas people aren't always so smart. So, now not only is the state broke with bond issues that are barely above junk bond status, but the yahoos the are running the state seem to be incapable of coming up with a budget. So according to various news agencies the state will apparently be out of money Feb 1. Therefore, they are now reporting that their current money saving strategy is going to issue IOUs for income tax refunds. Did you hear that IOUs, from a state with no money. Seriously, folks they are threatening to not honor the tax refunds owed to the people. Can they do that? Apparently, they can.

Now I know that overpaying taxes and then getting refunds is giving the government an interest free loan, and I know it isn't smart. However, the couple of years i had to pay taxes were really rough and every year I have a couple of really big bills that always come in around the time that I get my tax refund and the beginning of the year is always a little tighter financially for me, so getting a nice check from the government has been working for me. But... If they are going to start not honoring what they owe then this policy needs some serious rethinking. I had a long chat with my dad, my ever present financial advisor and he gave me some good advice. I'm going to do some homework and see what I can make work. In the meantime I curse those elected state officials for throwing my money away and not honoring their debt. Curse you

LAs bad rap

2009-01-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

The city of LA has a bad rap- too many people, too much traffic, no public transit, too much smog etc. I generally try to encourage such thoughts because it will keep people from moving here because yes there really are too many people. Although, I often have had a contemptuous relationship with LA, I have come around. I just hosted a large national meeting in LA and everyone was shocked that I found them a hotel where they could take the subway to the hospital for the meeting every day. We walked to a fabulous dinner, several people even took the subway to the airport. I could see a few minds changing- UhOh. Too late

Then, this morning when I turned on my computer, the yahoo headline was the bitter cold and severe snow storms blanketing the majority of the country highlighted by the cold in the northern midwest- -40 in MInnesota. Ouch... But today in LA, the sky is clear, and it is in the 70s. I sit out on my porch as I type in shorts and a tee shirt thinking I need more sunscreen on my face. Not so bad- really not so bad.

Silver Lake Jogging Path Opens

2009-01-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday for the first time since Christmas, I took Sadie and ran around the Silver Lake and Ivanhoe Reservoirs. A nice 3 mile run, plus a hilly 1.5 mile walk there and back, we have done many times in the past few months. A run that usually for the part along Silver Lake Blvd, makes me fearful that Sadie will get run over by the speeding on coming traffic when she freaks out about a big dog (or let's be honest, little dog) coming towards her. So, usually that part of the run isn't so relaxing for me and as it is the last part, I'm usually tired. The combination is suboptimal. Well, yesterday, when I made the turn above the dog park, I discovered that the jogging path is now complete. It is a nice little sandy trail with a low wall that keeps Sadie from jutting out in front of traffic. Yeah! The simple things that make me happy.

Sadie frolicked, I ran, it was a lovely way to begin my Sunday. Thanks City of LA

In honor of New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-03T11:39:00.000-08:00

I know that this may be shocking given my last post, but I don't really believe in making New Years Resolutions- They have never really worked for me. However, as I have commented several times I have gone through a relatively epic health transformation in the past year and a half. So, in honor of all of those who ask me about 20 times a day how I have done it (and then look disappointed when I say exercise more and eat healthy) and those who are making the resolution of getting healthy this year- here is my answer.

Throughout my 20s i pretty much bounced around the same weight +/- 10 pounds. It was always a battle for me, but there you have it. I was active, never thin, but not really out of shape either. Then I broke my foot, moved to Chicago and did a neonatology fellowship which had me working more hours than I thought possible and pretty much removed exercise from my life. I gained a shocking 30 pounds in 3 years (disgusting, I know). Once I moved back to LA, life got better and I struggled to deal with said weight problem. I did the South Beach diet (lost a lot of weight then gained it back, did a few other random diets, but nothing stuck). Then a series of events culminating with getting ankle cancer and having to spend 8 months essentially sitting on a couch, combined to have me top the scales at some horrifying level. My Body Mass Index (BMI) was 31- officially I was into the obese category. Yikes My body fat, who knows, but high. I thought about all of the things that I had been afraid of losing when I learned about my diagnosis and realized that I had lost many of them by getting out of shape. So, I resoved to change it right then and there...

As soon as I was allowed to start exercising I joined a gym. I vowed to eat healthier, but told everyone, I was not going on a diet- diets don't work. I just wanted to be healthy. My Physical therapist Jonathan guided me in increasing my core strength and ragaining strength in my ankle. I swam several days a week as that was one of the few exercises I was allowed. When I joined the gym, the membership came with 10 personal training sessions. Once I was given the go ahead from my medical team, I signed up for the first of them and met Jason. Jason and Jonathan worked together to come up with my initial program, something my ankle could handle, and I started lifting weights really for the first time in my life. Jason helped me adjust my diet. My immediate goal was not to look like a beached whale in Hawaii, but my more important goal was to really reclaim my active life style and be as healthy as I could be. Over the next several months, I slowly completely restructured my diet, my habits and the weight drifted off. Then the numb foot thing threatened it all, but with persistance I got through that period. Then graduated out of PT and could focus more on my strength training and endurance. Still working out with Jason, the whole thing got pushed to a new level.

Now here I sit, embracing 2009, weighing less than I did when I graduated from college, but a few pounds more than when I graduated from high school. My BMI is down to 22, well in the middle of the healthy range. My body fat is well- lower, I can actually feel the loss of boyancy in the water. I didn't do alone, and I did it without dieting. I feel like i can say that, because I never felt like I was on a diet, just trying to be healthy. (My remaining bad cravings are chips and salsa (which I indulged in Taos) and cheese-its (those repulsive fake cheese crackers that I love- they don't come into my house).

So when asked several times a day how I lost the weight, I used to shyly smile and thank the person and say that I just got obsessed with exercise. Now, I am more willing to say, that I did by exercising more, lifting weights with my trainer and eating healthy. If people want, I offer details. More than one of my friends has commented that I am now "One of the Healthiest people they know" I don't know about that, but I am happy to be a case point for lifestyle changes.

Special thanks to Jason and Jonathan amongst others.

Amateur Night

2008-12-31T12:43:00.001-08:00

My best friends husband coined the phrase, Amateur night for New Year's Eve. I adopted it, because it is perfect. New Years Eve is an international excuse for normally logical well mannered people to be stupid. Not that I haven't been stupid on New Year's Eve or other nights, but on New Year's Eve the stupidity is rampant. All kinds of people who typically never drink go out and decide that it is New Year's so you must get sloppy. Hence Amateur Night.

I, myself, am not a fan of the holiday. As a kid we always went up to my aunt and uncle's place in the mountains where we would play games until midnight. Many times as an adult, I have done similar things gathered with friends to play games, hang out, no one drives anywhere, no $100/ head fee etc. Just togetherness and fun. The problem in LA is you have to drive everywhere. Henceforth, I volunteered to work. A ready made excuse to not participate. It isn't that I am not looking forward to 2009, or am in a bad place right now. I am actually in a very happy place and happy time in my life. The future looks great, I just am not a fan of the whole New Years Eve thing. Still, I wish everyone a Happy New Year and please be safe, there ARE a lot of amateurs out there.

A Very Merry Christmas

2008-12-29T14:18:00.000-08:00

This year was a special Christmas, my brother's inlaws invited my parents and I to join them in Taos to celebrate. So we all journeyed to the VERY cold mountains of northern New Mexico where we enjoyed 5 days of wonderful hospitality and family togetherness. I got to ski for two days in amazing powder, but couldn't see much because of the snow. We all enjoyed a white Christmas, and many board games.

Sunset over the mountainside

Girls v. Boys snowman contest on Christmas day- it was a tie as voted by our partial judges

Addie on skis. She is getting pretty good.

Owen heading down the slopes.

The adults enjoying post skiing margaritas while trying to thaw out and before getting the kids out of ski school.

Thanks to our gracious hosts for a wonderful Christmas.

Birthday Poisoning

2008-12-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

I never used to believe that it was possible to lose the ability to tolerate certain foods. I have a friend who used to be a vegetarian and she would claim that eating things with even a hint of meat in them would make her sick because she hadn't had meat in so long. I laughed at her. I thought that line of thinking crazy, but nonetheless when she came over for dinner I would cook the meat in a separate pan out of respect. For months now, I have been eating super healthy- very little salt, minimal processed food, pretty much no refined sugar, only whole wheat bread and pasta and only that rarely. I pretty much eat nonfat yogurt, chicken, fresh fruits and vegetables. You get the idea, but this was my birthday weekend and the people at work got me a princess cake. This thing was beautiful- white cake with mascarpone cheese on the inside, white frosting, topped off with some kind of marsipan thing. Sugar on top of sugar on top fat and sugar. I ate a piece it was delicious. I felt a sugar rush and then CRASH. Within 15 minutes, my friend said he could see it in my eyes- serious crash. I was weak, dizzy, nauseous, couldn't focus. It was awful. I tried eating something healthy to feel better no luck. 4 hours later, I still felt like hell, so I decided to go for a run since eating good food wasn't helping. Finally I felt almost back to normal, my trainer claims that is what I should have done in the first place. Seriously, bad. No more cake for me. I truly felt poisoned, ick.

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-12-14T14:19:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me. It has been a weekend of birthday celebrations. I am looking forward to this coming year with all of the good things that are happening in my life. So, I am joyfully celebrating this birthday with friends and family, but wishing that those of you too far away to celebrate in person were closer by.

Happy Blogiversary

2008-12-13T14:22:00.000-08:00

In addition to this being the week of my birthday it is also the second annivesary of my creating this blog with this post. In writing this little blogiversary post, I reread that first post I ever wrote and it got me thinking. I started this blog at a dark time in my life, at a time that I thought I might lose my leg because of my diagnosis. I was scared and needing to let it out. My blogsite is 1goodfoot, because that was what I had and I feared that might be all I'd have. I am glad that I have chronicled this whole event, but some of it is still really hard for me to read. I know I lived it, but I want to forget. Rather than bemoaning where I came from I want to celebrate where I am now. In the next few posts, I am thinking about detailing how I went from 1 good foot to 2 stronglegs and find myself here in the best shape I have been in years. Stay tuned, but first I have a birthday to celebrate.

RevelationsThe sisterhood

2008-12-10T15:08:00.000-08:00

The other night I went out for sushi with 3 of my single girl friends. All of us are in our late 30s/ early 40s. We sat around the table eating our edamame discussing the usual- guys, dating, work, life when one of the group got serious. She informs us that she is now 1 week into radiation for breast cancer. They caught it really early, she had a successful lumpectomy. Not the usual single gal dinner chat, but then as I looked around the table, I thought of giving the response that the girl sitting across the table gave to me when I told her of my diagnosis 2 years ago- The simple "welcome to the sisterhood." I still remember her saying it. It wasn't pity or fear she was sharing with me, it was friendship, welcoming, and an understanding that you only have if you've been there. I hope that we were able to share that kind of welcoming to our friend.

Then on further reflecton, we all realized that oh man- here we are 4 single women in our prime, and 3 of us have had cancer in 3 different forms. All of us were diagnosed early and have good prognoses, but one of us has already had a recurrence. We all are healthy appearing, vibrant young women, none of us has that "woe is me" thing going, but yet how? That is rhetorical , obviously. It seems to me that you keep hearing more and more about younger and younger adults getting diagnosed. I like to hope that it is because of better screening leading to catching it earlier, but I don't know. I thank goodness for public awareness about mammograms that caught my friends tumor at such an early stage that she has an excellent prognosis. I am thankful that she, who had a lot going on in her life at the time, didn't cancel the appointment as so many (including myself) do. Thus, giving her the best chances possible. I continue to encourage everyone to get their own screening done- please

This post is dedicated to you my friend- may health and healing follow you and may you know that people are thinking of you.- Lisa

Karma Rocks

2008-12-09T19:38:00.000-08:00

I have many amazing friends, I am blessed that way, but I am thinking of one of them today. She is one of the strongest women I know. She has worked in Illinois government since we graduated from college, rising through the years to become a senior policy person for the last republican Lt. Governor of Illinois. When their administration was coming to a close she moved to a new a job in the Illinois government. When the new governor, Rod Blagojovich, took over, one of his first things that he did was fire all senior staffers from the old regime still working in the government, including my friend. He fired them publically, in a news conference and then printed it in the Chicago Tribune. I read about a few hours after she told me. Today he got arrested for trying to sell Barack Obama's senate seat for his own personal gain. Here is what she had to say about that. Her post is all about feeling guilty for smiling all day. However, I am right there with you. Smile on, girl

The Day Before Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T11:38:00.000-08:00

It's the day before Thanksgiving and all around the country people are scurrying to cook turkey and all of the fixings. This year I am joining in the fray, sort of. My parents house is still under construction and I volunteered to have the family meal as I am thankful for my new "fully functional" kitchen. Just as I relish in the functionality of my new kitchen it throws a giant road block my way. Further, I am missing out on the day before food prep because I went to work before 8 am and I am incarcerated in the hospital until 8 am tomorrow. So last night, my sweet mom and I made the cornbread for the stuffing, did all of the peeling and chopping of vegetables, etc. Only to discover that my sink got clogged up and no amount of plunging or running of the garbage disposal or drano would unplug it. So, as we prepared for bed my mom asked what she could do to help- I replied, just get the sink and garbage disposal functional by the time I get home from work, oh and take the turkey out so it can finish defrosting. The thought of preparing Thanksgiving dinner without the use of my sink is just more than I can stomach. Please wish me luck.

All is Good

2008-11-11T12:39:00.000-08:00

I have completed my series of tests and all is good. Yeah!!!

It's That Time Again

2008-11-10T08:25:00.000-08:00

I'm back in NYC for my every 6 month check up and scans. I wish that I was a better writer because then maybe I could describe how I feel about these apts, but as it is I do the best I can. I pretend that these visits to NYC are pleasure, I fill them with social visits. I smile, I laugh, I look normal, but ..... underneath it all is the everpresent fear that I might get bad news. I have known the odds from the beginning and while they are in general in my favor, the risk that my disease will come back or spread isn't zero, not even close. The results if it does- Catastrophic. So, I head to MSKCC, today, I'll have my MRI and run on a treadmill for my exercise testing, tomorrow they PET/CT practically my whole body then I see my doc. I'll know the results by then.

Wish me luck

The economic ills

2008-11-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

So, as I've said jury duty is a big sociology experiment. It is a window into many different ways of looking at things. Our jury was economically mixed- successful people, those out of work, those scraping to get by. Every day a number of the jurors sat in our little jury room and complained about the financial impact of being on the jury, and the pittance that you are paid to be on a jury- $15/day. They complained about the price of food around the court house. How it was costing more money than that generous stipend etc. Yet still every day, I was the only one who brought my food. I brought two or three snacks and lunch every day. I would spend my lunch hour happily eating lunch, reading my book and relaxing by the fountain that I used to walk to lo those many years ago when I worked for an LA law firm in the LA Law building. My point is not my trip down memory lane, but that I was the only one who didn't buy my lunch and breakfast and Starbucks coffee every day. I was getting my usual salary, yet I brought my food. I listened to all of these people bemoan the economy, yet they paid $10 or more for lunch every day. It is small thing, but the ills of our economy are based on this kind of action. People spend beyond their means, and then want to bailed out. These people wanted a bigger jury stipend, but wouldn't do simple things like decrease their expenses. There are countless examples of this kind of overspending, and more taxes and more big Wall St bailouts aren't going to change this simple problem.

My friend's sister who is a very talented economic journalist wrote an Op-Ed piece for the NY Times a few weeks ago about this theme, and how the blame for the financial crisis lies in both Wall St and Main St because of overspending and over-borrowing, and then she got hate mail. People don't want to see or be told that there are in part to blame. I hope that people can grow to see the need for renewed personal responsibility, but the climate seems to be going the other way. That makes me sad.

And So It Ends:

2008-11-03T15:10:00.000-08:00

I am off of jury duty. We deliberated for exactly one hour before we all agreed on the case, and this was a civil trial so we didn't even all have to agree. My faith in people is restored. I feared that there would be very different takes on the information, but no we all heard the same thing and came to the same conclusion.... Keanu Reeves was innocent. Yes you heard it right, I just spent a week sitting on the jury of the trial where a papparazzi sued Keanu Reeves for damages and medical bills after he alleged ran over him with his car after Mr. papparazzi refused to get out of the way while trying to get a picture of the star. Um, hello get over yourself.

Seriously, this is part of what is wrong with our legal system, this guy couldn't manage to tell the same story twice while KR never changed his tale that he hadn't hit the guy. My dad always said his memory isn't good enough to lie and clearly neither is mr paparazzi's. Plus there was no evidence to support the paparazzi's claim. Further, the accident happened because papi dude refused to move once Reeves car was turned on, then he backed up, fell over complained of injuries that he didn't have, but did have an xray which showed an old injury, that he then tried to get KR to pay for. Why oh why, did I have to waste 6 days of my time to listen to this drither. In my opinion, if you file a silly lawsuit like this, you should then have to pay the court fees for hearing the case. Maybe then our judicial system could actually catch up with the court backlog, there would be fewer silly lawsuits and we wouldn't all have to live in such a litiginous society.

Further, why is society so obsessed with seeing celebrities going about their everyday lives? Why is that news, why do we treat it as such? After having spent 6 days listening to all of this, I vow that my actions will support this claim, and I will not financially support this business that prays on celebrities and then sues them when they get hurt. Not that I ever did, but now I really won't, I promise

Sociology ExperimentOr Jury Duty Day 4

2008-10-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

I have decided that a jury is one big sociology experiment. You take 12 people who don't know each other and have nothing in common with each other and put them together for days on end. Then tell them that they can't talk about their only shared experience, the trial (which is full of so many things that you want to talk about, but can't), and then you watch and see what happens. I am starting to wish that I paid more attention in sociology in college, because the group dynamics are very interesting. So far it has all been quite amicable. Everyone is respectful and kind to each other, people bring snacks etc. Yes, there are little cliques forming, cliques that seem to be based on socioeconomics more than racial groups, but everyone is getting along reasonably. Depending on how much longer this thing goes on, we'll see how this unfolds. Stay tuned, and eventually when this is all over I'll be able to tell the real story and it is entertaining, I promise.

Civic Duty

2008-10-28T15:11:00.001-07:00

The justice system of the US is based on the concept of trial by a jury of your peers. I have previously served on the jury in one criminal trial and although it was very straightforward, I appreciated for the first time what a truly powerful criterion getting 12 people from 12 different walks of life to agree on something is. I know a lot of people will say and do anything to get out of serving on a jury, but I do think that it is an important thing to keep our justice system alive, and that if I ever had to be on trial, I'd want some smart people on the jury. So, now once again I find myself sitting on a jury, this time in a civil case. Let me tell you it is the kind of case that probably only happens in Hollywood and when it is done, I'll tell you all about it. Til then I'm a civil servant I guess. The good thing is when you are on a jury you get breaks, you get a lunch break, and you work banker hours. This is all much easier than my regular job.

Sheryl Crow

2008-10-13T11:33:00.000-07:00

The concert Friday night was amazing. All of the tickets were General Admission, so my friend Lori and I made a bee line for the front and wound up about 3 people away from the stage. They definately didn't fail to impress. Good time and hopefully good money raised.

These pictures were taken from my iphone which does not zoom and does not have any settings, aside from point and click. Definately gives you an idea of how good our spot was. Worth it indeed

Save Lids Save Lives

2008-10-10T11:49:00.001-07:00

Alright, I know that this post is going to infuriate my online friend, Jeanne, and she might even disavow our cyber friendship, but....

Sheryl Crow, who is one of my favorite female rockers (or really just rockers in general) is giving a free concert tonight a few miles from my house in honor of breast cancer awareness month. The entry fee is to have been able to get tickets (no small feat), and then to bring 10 Yoplait "Save Lids to Save Lives" lids. OK, cause marketing is not something I support. The whole idea that a company uses peoples fears about certain diseases or conditions to boost their marketing is just not something I can really get behind. However, the awareness about getting people to have screening tests when breast cancer like so many other cancers is so much more treatable when caught early. That I do agree with. I could go on, but others can say what they feel so much better.

So back to Sheryl Crow, she is awesome in concert and when given the opportunity, I couldn't pass it up. Also, this gives me a chance to comment on her song "Make It Go Away" which I have wanted to do for awhile. When I got her new album Detours, and saw that she had a song subtilted "Radiation Song". I thought oh dear, here goes another mass media thing that is going to make me feel like I have business in the "cancer survivor" club, but this is Sheryl Crow- the woman who wrote- "All I wanna do," "If it makes you happy," "soak up the sun," etc. right. Surely she wouldn't write some sappy I have cancer woe is me, the world is against me song, right? So, I listened with my skeptical ear and was blown away. If I had the talent to write a song about how I felt during radiation, it might have come out just like hers did. (My friends are laughing because musically talented I am not and I CANNOT SING, but I digress) It has anger and fear and optimism tied up with a metronome beating away in the background, sounding a little bit like a slow radiation machine and a lot like time ticking away. The song is raw and brilliant. I love it. I'll see if I kind find a UTube video to post.

So, alas, I am giving in and buying yoplait and happily going to this concert tonight. Details to follow. I apologize to all those I know who are aghast at the idea of all of the pink marketing in October, but it's Sheryl Crow- need I say more

The Squirrel Saga Continues

2008-10-08T11:43:00.000-07:00

So, you thought that getting the squirrel out of my closet would be the end of the squirrel game didn't you. So did I. Or at least I hoped. Alas, no such luck for me.

Two days after the rat with a good sense of fashion was absconded from my closet, my air conditioner unit stopped working. The little thermostat was flashing that it had no power. Undaunted, I investigated the unit. I checked the plug- full power, no problem. I checked the connection to the plug, all good. I took the AC apart and my jaw hit the ground. LIterally, hit the ground. After, I was able to recover from the shock, I surveyed the damage. The wires (plural here, hello at least 10 of them) were chewed through. The filter had been knocked through ground. The situation slowly dawned on me. THE SQUIRRELS ATE MY AIR CONDITIONER. Are you kidding me? Seriously, this was too crazy to believe. Then he ate through the wall in two places to get out of his little AC hiding place and set up home in a bag of paper towels, where I found him a week ago Friday. I drove him from that hiding place. Left the garage door open so he would run to freedom, and cried.

Once I was done with my "why me" moment. I finally found a company to close off their access to my house, set traps etc. I called my cousin's husband who lucky for me happens to run an AC repair company. And we sat off to repair the whole thing. One week later, the AC is finally fixed (thank goodness, because it is supposed to be 96 degrees today), but somehow the heater is not. They are coming back out later this week to deal with that little situation. There are screens over all of hteir former entrances to my attics and traps set in various places. Full on anti-squirrel warfare is occurring in my home.

Therefore, I can't help but feel a new profound hatred for squirrels. When I saw one in my driveway as I backed out to go to work today. I wanted to drive over it with my car, and I am not a violent person, but my house feels like it was violated by these little rascals. UGGH

More on Squirrels

2008-09-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

So, apparently there aren't so many companies that will help you with squirrels. I called around and got a lot of "we deal with rodents- mice and rats, no squirrels." To which I respond, a squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit, but nonetheless they wouldn't help me. My wonderful neighbor helped me get rid of it. We went at the thing, armed with long reachy things, thick gloves, long pants,a trash can and a lid. At sfirst he was hard to coax from his hiding place, but as we were posed and ready for action he ran at us and I screamed and fell over. Fortunately, he went up the wall. Ultimately, we got him into our trap and out of the closet. Nerves of steel I don't have. However, the crisis overted. I now have to find someone who will close off their access routes. The joys of owning a home.

Once project squirrel was resolved, I had to clean up after him. Apparently, he had been trying to make himself a nest out of a various arrays of wires found in the office closet. He chewed through three extension cords, an old computer cord, its attendent mouse (no pun intended), keyboard, monitor and speaker wires. (Good thing i don't use that computer anymore.) Given the amount of damage he'd done. I think he'd been there awhile. My house feels dirty now, I want to run around and sterilize everything. HMM- I need this to not be an appealing home for them anymore.

Unwelcome Guest

2008-09-23T13:11:00.000-07:00

I HAVE A SQUIRREL IN MY CLOSET

I heard a loud crash from my office two days ago. I never investigated because - well I didn't. Anyway, this morning, I was working form home when Sadie became very interested in my office closet. Smelling and pawing at the ground etc. So, I opened the closet doors to see a brown bushy tail sneak behind my vacuum cleaner. Sadie ever the brave dog, ran the other way and hid under my bed. I told the squirrel I wanted him to go away, but two hours later, he is still here. UCK
The company that did my fumigation said they only deal with other rodents- not squirrels. RATS- or better SQUIRRELS

"Thank you for my life"

2008-09-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, my hospital held its biannual NICU reunion in Griffith Park. It was a wonderful event that reminded me of exactly why it is that I do my job. I know I complain about the bad stuff a lot. The bad stuff eats at me, which is why I complain, but, as evidenced by Sat, the good stuff is so good it makes up for the bad. I just need to be reminded of the good more often.

Our patient reunion was a BIG event, lovingly put together by our wonderful nursing staff. There were around 400+ people there and many, many former patients. It was really nice to get to visit with the families and see how their little ones were doing often times years after leaving our care. Most of the time, I couldn't recognize the kids, just the parents- not shocking as the kids were babies when they left. There was more then one family where I had to ask the parents which of their beautiful children was with us. One family in particular was convinced that their NICU graduate, who was so sick with a bad viral infection at birth, must have gotten "smart blood" in at least one of multiple blood transfusions because they think she is their smartest. I don't know about that, but it was wonderful to see this little girl, now 3, who spent days on deaths doorstep, indistinguishable from her beautiful siblings.

However, the title of this post comes from a different family. This was a family whose little boy spent at least 6 months with us and his twin sister at least 2. During that time, I was the boys primary attending and got to bond with their wonderful parents. The little kids were born preterm with the boy having complex congenital heart disease on top of being preterm. Henceforth, why he was in the hospital for so long. He certainly had bad days, and days where we weren't sure if he would survive, but survive he did. They are three and half years old now, and while I was talking to their mom, the kids were running around us, playing some imaginary game that required a lot of jumping and tagging of benches, the dogs and us. They looked great, like any other set of three year olds, except that the little boy is definately small, but alas he is a veteran of 3 major open heart surgeries not to mention a few other things. As we concluded our conversation, their mom prompted them both to give me a hug and a kiss. She asked the little boy to say "thank you for saving my life". He walked right over to me, climbed into my lap, gave me a kiss on the cheek and said "thank you for my life." I got all teary. The three year olds change in syntax by just leaving out one word, is what I strive for in my job. I doubt if he got that, but it was still so touching. You see, saving a life- connotes to me, keeping someone alive. However, a life- connotes the appreciation and interaction of all that this wonderful world has to offer, a future, a loving family, and clearly for him great joy at playing with his twin. It isn't just that he is alive, it is that he is alive and thriving in a miraculous way. That at least is what it meant to me.

There are so many other wonderful stories from that day, as it was such a joy to see our former patients gathered in one spot. That should keep me going for awhile.

You have to move out for 3 daysWhat to do?

2008-08-31T12:51:00.003-07:00

Termites moved into my house. I wanted them out and despite my desire ot do so nontoxically, I gave in and got my house fumigated

Above is my house covered in its tarp while toxic chemicals were pumped inside. Thus leaving me with 3 days for Sadie and I to while away elsewhere. Sadie was easy, she went to the mountains with my parents. I decided to do nothing so simplistic. I took off on a brief tour of the southwest.

Day/NIght 1- I had to work. I had to pay for the fumigation somehow. I spent the night at the hospital and took care of my little charges.
Day 2 I wen tot my gradfather and did a puzzle with him and then loaded myself into the car and drove to Vegas where i met up with some friends. we stayed at the Bellagio and got to watch this out of out window.

Then we went across the street to Planet Hollywood and saw Sheryl Crow in concert. James Blunt opened for her and it was a fantastic show. Our seats were awesome and Sheryl Crow is amazing live. Then i played black jack.

Day 3- After wandering aroudn the strip for a little while I loaded back up into my car and drove to Lake Arrowhead. Spent the night there. Sadie helped me ski and we went for a hike.

Day 4- back home, dirty, tired just wanting a bath I discovered that the gas company had neglected to turn my gas back on like they were supposed to and i had to take cold showers. Hence the letter below. Oh well, my gas is now back on and i had a great weekend even if I drove close to 800 miles. It was fun. Thanks

Open Letter to the Gas Company

2008-08-25T16:30:00.001-07:00

Dear Gas Company,

I hate you, you are incompetent. I wish you had competition.

GRRRRRRRRR
Love, Lisa

Maybe this is the reason

2008-08-12T15:38:00.000-07:00

When I went through my list of can I do the following things again with my doctor- there was one things that both she and my friendly sarcoma doc both balked at, which was water skiing. The concern being that Lefty is strapped into a tight boot and might not come out if I fell putting too much torque on my poor little ankle. I didn't push the issue too much because I hadn't really been water skiing for a long time and i had really lost that skill not because of my ankle and surgeries and radiation etc., but because I let myself get fat and out of shape. However, over the past few months as I have watched skiers go around Lake Arrowhead, I started to long to ski again. I repeated my doctors advice to many people trying to not make me feel so bad and make me believe it, but I have to admit that I really wanted to try. Then a couple of weeks ago I had abunch of friends up to Arrowhead and I had offered to take anyone skiing or wakeboarding who wanted to go. After a couple of hours of pulling several people who wanted to ski (successfully teaching one who had never done it before), I really wanted to get in the water. Then the two people who were successful hatched the plan of getting up early the next day to ski on smooth water, so I hatched my own plan to ski again. I put my ski in the boat, convinced a friend to drive and off I went. Sitting in the water behind the boat ready to start I felt confident and happy. When I got up just like i had done it yesterday, I grinned from ear to ear. I swerved in and of the wake completely in control. Lefty handled it with no problem, and I rejoiced. I debated keeping it a secret because I didn't want to deal with people getting mad at me, but I couldn't. I am too happy about it. I even convinced my dad to pull me yesterday and my watching parents smiled too.

This somehow seems so monumental because this I got back through hard work and determination in the gym. I can water ski again because I have gotten myself back in shape. I work out on average 5 days a week, i have lifted more weight then I would have thought possible. I have done some crazy exercises and it is paying off. Today, the following thought occurred to me.... In the early days of getting my diagnosis, i felt that someday I'd realize the reason behind this whole thing. I believed that there was a purpose, if only I could find it. Now, I think maybe the purpose was to jolt me out of complacency at letting myself get fat and lazy and make me get fit. If that is to be the good that is to come out this, I'll take it.

My surreal life

2008-07-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

My job sometimes has these incredible surreal moments. Things that feel like they are out of body experiences or just plan so strange that they must have been dreamed up by a Hollywood writer, but no they really happen.

Today, I was having a meeting with a mom whose baby is dying. We were talking about how there is nothing more that we can do for her and about starting to limit some of our treatments. The poor mom is devastated and alone because her husband is driving back from out of state where they live. Then all of a sudden the ground starts shaking, and only gets stronger. The poor woman grabs me with this look of horror in her eyes. "What else could happen today she asks" What else indeed...

There is no happy ending to this story except that the dad made it and didn't feel the Earthquake, and everyone else is OK. Another earthquake day in LA. I miss my school days when Earthquakes usually meant we got to go home early.

Survivor?

2008-07-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

The other day I was at a friends pool party/ bar b que. It was the kind of party where I only knew the hostess and her family, but not the other people there. Fine, I can make conversation with just about anyone. After swimming with my ankle wrapped in an ace wrap to keep the sun off of it, I hid in the shade as the rest of me can't take too much sun either and unwrapped my ankle and settled down to interesting conversation and a glass of wine. Then this nice woman whom I had just met asks me what happened to my ankle. I was about to give one of my non-answers when my friend replied, she had cancer and thought for a little while she might lose her leg, but look at her now. This other woman then says, something like- Oh you're a cancer survivor that's incredible. To which I had to take pause.

Cancer survivor- not a label I apply to myself. The very term seems off to me. The whole concept of survivor is final- like there is a great battle and you survived it, or some natural disaster, or some other calamity. My point being an event which you live through and then it is gone, but I am not so sure if I see my sarcoma as that kind of an event, since I still have to get all of these scans every 6 months and every morning my ankle reminds me that it isn't normal. Plus, the concept of survivor is that you were in danger of not living- right? Well that is something, I never ever considered in this whole event. I worried about how disabled I'd be, how much pain, how much of my active life style I'd get back, but no I never thought that I was not going to survive this whole thing. Therefore, to me- it is no surprise that I am here in better shape than I have been in years. So what to do with the label. My normal response is to ignore such comments, but nonetheless it got me thinking. Am I just an eternal optimist or do people not really understand. I never saw myself as a cancer patient, so I guess it isn't shocking that I can't see myself as a cancer survivor. Am I in denial? Hmmm

TOO FAR

2008-06-26T12:22:00.000-07:00

I loved the showtime series Weeds. I became interested in the show one Saturday when KHOP had brought Kyle over for a gamewatch when he was a few months old. He fell asleep as she was thinking about leaving, so she had to stay and we sat around and watched 4 episodes back to back. It was a fresh take on the indebt suburban widow, deeply in debt with two kids to support who starts to sell pot to the city councilman. The writing was good, the show was funny, the acting was great. We kept watching. I set up TIVO to record it and watched the second season in the weeks after my surgery. I read the debates that preceded the third season saying that it was making drug dealing look to safe and easy, but it was just TV comedy. So, I watched the third season. It was darker and more dangerous and not as funny, but there was still good stuff. Nancy, the protagonist was getting linked with bad gangs and her children discovered what she did. She even got her teenage son working for her. The younger son was having serious emotional issues. That bothered me, but it was still TV, suspended animation, right? So, still I TIVo'd the beginning of the 4th season..

In the first episode it came out that one of Nancy's new gang cronies started a fire that devastated her nice Valley suburban town in order to destroy a competitors pot crop since he had attacked her kid. OK, in Southern California, wildfires aren't a joke. Then in episode 2, she moves the family to San Diego and starts drug trafficking for the same violent gang. Not to mention her younger son is clearly suffering and the older one is heading off in a dangerous direction. So, while I get Showtimes desire to make this show darker and reflect the dangers of Nancy's line of work. I feel like they are going too far in continuing to write a comedy about such things. These are all very serious issues and while comedy can be effective political satire. I'm not sure that this show is going in the right direction. I think it is coming off of my TiVo season pass list. Sorry Showtime. You went too far.

That was thenThis is now

2008-06-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

So, finally I will post about my last trip to New York. Sorry for the long wait. I have gotten many emails worried that I wasn't posting because of bad news. Fortunately, that is not the case. Everything went well.

My friend V-L took the train down from Pittsburgh to hang out with me. The weather wasn't so good, but the company was excellent, so that was nice. It was great seeing V-L, getting to hang out with her. It was the fun part of the trip. I have previously posted how it feels odd to me that I travel almost 3000 miles for follow up, but on this trip I felt something different about it. For one thing it was incredibly efficient. I had two scans, another set of xrays and two doctors visits in 2days. It was a little exhausting, but at least well organized, and all of the news was good. My scans still showed no evidence of disease, and this perplexing numb foot thing is getting better, and no one is advocating surgery for now. Plus I got to stop PT after that so all is good. Additionally, going far away and having everything done in two days, makes this feel like my illness is in New York, it helps with the compartamentalizing of my life. Plus, I still really like my ortho onc. She is an unusual surgeon and she really listens to what I have to say. So, every 6 months, I'll go to New York- Fine by me. There are worse places to have to go.

The day before my surgery I took this picture in central park-

My mom has been wanting me to take another photo in the same spot on my last two visits, so when Vas and I walked past the rock we complied.

Plus, as I have written many times before I miss my shoes. So, I have now been given the green light to wear heels as long as they are comfortable for me. I walked into Jimmy Choo's and tried on these shoes and even Vas had to declare that they were Cinderella slippers. They felt like they were made for my feet. they are now mine. Forgive me.

Lakers-Celtics

2008-06-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

The first sports team I ever cared about was the Lakers. My parents took us to games when we were little and I used to sit on my dad's lap all dressed and scream "Go Yellow"- although I couldn't quite say yellow. Thus a love affair began. The only other sports team that I care about is ND football, and well I have only followed them for half my life. The Lakers, they are my sporting love. I remember gathering together as a family to watch the 80s Lakers- Celtics finals. I HATED the Celtics, especially Kevin McHale, really I challenge anyone who watched the infamous "clothesline" to not hate Kevin McHale. Larry Bird was like the annoying menace, so good you had to respect him. But then there was my team. I used to practice hook shots by the hour to try to emulate Kareem, mind you I never really got it, and Magic is like no one else. In my mind he still is the preeminent player. OK maybe Michael Jordan, but nah I am a Lakers fan, so Magic. What about the MVP you say? Well, he is great, but he is a spoiled numbskull, gifted with so much talent, yet full of histrionics, and named after a steak. So while I love to watch what he can do with a basketball, he doesn't match up to the others.

So it is finally back, the Lakers and the Celtics in the NBA finals. The preeminent NBA franchises with Phil Jackson aiming to oust the Celtics storied coach as the most successful NBA coach of all time and my Lakers aiming to recapture what they gave up in 2004 when they imploded. Game 1 tonight. Game on.

May Book Binge Results

2008-06-02T08:44:00.001-07:00

Thanks to my friend Kim, I participated in the May Book Binge. I am somewhat surprised that I didn't read more, but here goes...

Thirteen Moons- Charles Frazier: The second book by the guy who wrote Cold Mountain didn't suffer from the second book curse. This story follows the trials and tribulations of a 12 year old orphan sold by his family to man an isolated trading post in Indian Territory in the early 1800s. It follows his life as he is embraced by the Indians among who he now lives with and ultimately becomes their "lawyer" then congressman through the mass "removal" of the Native Americans to the "New Nation" ie. kicking them off of their native land so that it could be sold. It is definately not a page turner, but a really good story, well written.

The Balanced Plate- Renee Loux (pp1-180) This is sort of a cookbook/ nutrition book so I am including it. Renee Loux is a proponent of the whole food and organic food movement and the first 180 pages of the book explain why. She is also an advocate of being aware of where food comes from. THe book part was well written and easy to read given what it was. INteresting and definately food for thought.

The Memory Keepers Daughter- Kim Edwards- My June book club selection. I won't write too much before discussing this with my friends, but this is a captivating story of bad decisions and how they can distroy people's lives. It made me cry, and yes I had to read the end twice in the first 50 pages to know where the story was going ( a flaw of mine).

LIlah- by Marek Halter (pp 50- end) THis is the third book in the Canaan Triology. A series of books written about famous Old Testament Women. This was my least favorite of the three, but all told it was an easy, interesting read. The first two- Sarah and Zipporah, wife of Moses were really good, I thought.

World WIthout End- Ken Follett- (pp1-150) This book is the follow up to PIllars of the Earth which despite being over a thousand pages is one of my favorite books. It was historical fiction chronicalling the building of the Salisbury cathedral. When I finished PotE I felt like I had lost good friends becuase that one took me so long to read. So far I am still gettting into WWE, but it picks up where PotE ended, and it is like refinding those friends. These books are low on action but high on wonderful stories very well written. I hope I am not disappointed.

Oh yeah, and- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix pp 300something to the end- I am rereading the Harry Potter series these days because when I finished the last one I realized, I had forgotten a lot. THey still are so good and it is interesting reading them knowing the end. You really realize what a good job JK Rowling did.

The End of an Era

2008-05-31T18:22:00.000-07:00

After 22 months and over a hundred visits, I am done with physical therapy. This doesn't mean that I have no more issues with my ankle, it just means that I am as good as I am going to get. I was discussing being done with my friendly PT at my last visit, when he got teary. As I finished my obstacle course and prepared to ice my foot, he gave me a hug good-bye. I got teary. Then one of aides joined in, and another patient looked at me and said "How long have you been in PT." 22 months I answered immediately. 22 tumultuous months, and my PT has been there every step of my journey. I am so grateful for his help and support and that it has let me get to where I am now. When I talked to my doctor about stopping PT, she declared that my ankle might be stronger than hers. Probably an exaggeration, but there is no denying that my ankle is pretty strong now. So, Joanthan, from the bottom of my heart- Thanks

Syntax

2008-05-29T11:05:00.001-07:00

Last night I saw them at the Hollywood Bowl and they were awesome.

Tonight I am going to see them at a Hollywood Screening

Soon I will update you all on my trip to NYC and follow up with my docs, but for now I am too busy trying to be Single and Fabulous!, not ?

How I spent my Friday..

2008-05-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

I took Friday off of work and long ago decided to spend it with my godson to celebrate his birthday. I decided a couple of months ago that the kid really doesn't need anything, but I want him to know that we have a special relationship. So, I floated the idea of doing something special with him to his mom who suggested the Noah's Ark exhibit at the Skirball museum. This is a giant interactive exhibit made for the toddler to preschool age set. The kids can touch and play with everything. Genius

Kyle delighted in ringing the bell that was supposed to be the dear's heart.

He looked on in awe as he made it rain by pumping an old style water pump.

He filled the arc two by two with little animals and was so proud of the progress.

He climbed on the camels guarding the way into the pantry.

Then we go to the piece de resistance- the climbing area. Up and down and around he went.

On the way out he counted all of the snails in the garden, and I had to fight the fact that I am my mother's daughter and my first impulse is to squash the snails. When we finally left, he was so tired that he could hardly focus but very happy. A successful adventure I would say.

Book Binge

2008-05-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

As my book club friends, who are getting tired of finding books that I haven't read, well know. I am a fairly prolific reader. So wen I saw Kim's post about the May book binge I knew I had to participate. I am currently readng 3 books simulatneously so we'll see how far I get. I'll keep you posted.

Fire Season Starts Early

2008-04-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

The southern California fire season has started unseasonably early this year with the first major brush fire in April- Yikes. Anyway, last nights fire in Sierra Madre burned the hillside of my last hike. So sad to think of that lovely oasis burning. It also forced the evacuation of my hiking friends. Although the news this morning is that their house is fine. It could be a long hot summer folks.

I almost forgot

2008-04-09T19:42:00.001-07:00

It has been so long since I have gone hiking up some unknown trail to a supposedly pretty destination that I almost forgot how great it is to discover a beautiful new spot. A week or so ago, I went hiking up in the mountains behind some friends house. We headed off for an adventure, and began our hike up (literally up- almost 2000ft elevation change in about 1.5 miles) and then headed down a trail to the sound of water. This is what we found.

Me resting Lefty by the river.
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On the way back down

We didn't go this way

What a great way to spend the day. It made me so happy to be able to enjoy the random beauty of nature again. Thanks

Nice People

2008-04-07T16:12:00.000-07:00

There still are nice people in this world, people who understand costumer service and at least one of them lives in the midwest.

I just got back from an exhausting business trip to Columbus, OH of all places. It was a quick trip that was all work, but that is OK. The trip was for a part of my job that I currently really like, but the travel stinks. The time change, the long plane flight, being packed like sardines in the airplanes, that is so not fun. Anyway, none of that is the point of my story. I arrived at the airport Friday afternoon about 50 minutes before my scheduled departure. I tried to check in at the kiosk, but it said I was "too early"- what? I marched up to the customer service guy and said your machine is broken, it won't let me check in. (enter 2 year old reasoning skills). Customer service guy responded, "the machine isn't broken your flight is tomorrow". Excuse me! I stared at him in disbelief as I channeled my inner two year old and said, "but I am going home today." Our conversation continued in this circular fashion for another 5 minutes, while he tried to explain that it was Ohio State's spring break and all the flights out of Columbus were booked. I stared at him in a shocked, deer in the headlights kind of way. When I finally had to accept the situation, I walked away from the desk in a defeated sort of way and started to make phone calls to find a way home. About 5 minutes later, the nice customer service guy came and found me on my bench and informed me that he had convinced his supervisor to release a seat for me that I could change my flight and go home on Friday. I could have hugged him. I couldn't believe that he had gone out of his way to help me. I was so thankful. When I tried to express this, he responded- "Well, you were so nice, but you looked so sad. I couldn't leave you stranded."

Thank you kind customer service guy in Columbus, I'm sorry that I forgot your name, but I am inclined to write a letter to the airline praising you for letting me go home.

How many miles have you gone?

2008-03-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

I finished my taxes yesterday. I persist in doing them myself because- my dad helps me, they aren't that complicated, and I am a little bit of a control freak. Plus Turbo Tax makes it easy. Anyway, this past year I actually had enough medical expenses to be able to deduct them (well plus the fact that I was on disability for most of the year). Anyway, I dutifully read all of the supporting info on what could and could not be deducted including the per diem rate if you have to stay out of town for medical care. I followed all of the rules ( I hope). Then I got to the part that says you can deduct miles driven for medical care- huh. I thought about it for awhile, I plugged my address and the address of UCLA where I had my radiation and realized that it is 30 miles round trip and I went there every day for 5 weeks plus multiple other appointment. So, I grabbed my trusty calculator and figured that i had driven 2000 miles to go to and from UCLA a few million times. By then I was on a role. I went through my insurance log to figure out how many PT apts I had and how many times I went to USC and how many had my parents house as a starting point and I added all of that up. BTW- I had 60 physical therapy apt in 2007- yes 60. Plus many other apts. Total miles driven in pursuit of my own healthcare- >3000 miles. I was shocked. Who knew I had driven that much. Crazy. Thanks to the IRS for that revelation and for only letting you deduct 20c a mile which would barely pay for the gas at almost $4 a gallon.

Gardening

2008-03-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

This weekend the weather guy said it would rain- he lied- it was an absolutely gorgeous Southern California early spring weekend. Early spring around here means my garden needs lots of attention, especially since I fired my gardener last fall. This weekends project was to trim the vines that run along 15 ft tall retaining wall. This is no easy task which requires getting all the way up on a ladder and then balancing yourself at funny angles while trying to reach the top of the wall to trim it with my hedge clippers (the muscle power kind, not the power kind- I am afraid of those) 6 months ago, I was forbidden from doing this same project becuase they were worried about me falling off the ladder, this time I didn't ask, but i felt plenty strong enough to tackle the project now. The whole process took about 3 hours, when I was done my ankle was sore, in a stiff overworked kind of way, but I never felt unstable so it seemed successful. Several icing sessions later and all is good. Now I need to attack the weeds and mulch my citrus tress.

Work Stinks

2008-03-10T16:43:00.000-07:00

I just feel like moaning. Some weeks I love my job, but this week- not so much. (I say this week because for me my week is 12 days long since I worked all weekend, so this really is sort of like Wednesday in some crazy confused universe.) Anyway, I am in search of motivation to make me like work again. Maybe I'll find it soon.

Just Like Riding a Bike- Almost

2008-02-24T13:48:00.000-08:00

I did it. I had my first day of skiing on my new ankle and it was fantastic. There was a light snowfall all day making it not too cold, the visibility not too bad and a perfect dusting of Colorado powder on top of the packed snow. Ideal conditions for skiing, but not so great for photos. Last night i got my skis tuned and waxed, this morning I woke up with an exciting sense of fear- would I still be able to ski, would I remember how to ski. After a protein heavy breakfast, I headed out to the ski shop to get my newly tuned skis, the boots felt funny on my scar, but not bad. Up the gondola I went and then I decided to take it easy with some nice relaxing groomers and it was amazing. Just like I remembered except that my exercise routine has made it so that my thighs no longer burn in the skiing position, but my ankle only could do so much. I stuck to the groomers ( of course the blue and black diamond groomers), but I could control my skis, I could do it. I was so happy. Poor lefty pooped out around 2 after at least 12-15 runs, so I gave in and am icing Lefty before going to the hot tub. Then I have to proceed to the work portion of this trip. Still I am so happy to be able to ski. Thank you, thank you.

One More Dream

2008-02-22T16:16:00.000-08:00

When I first started this road 16 months ago. I was afraid that my diagnosis and treatment were going to take away many of the things I love- walkiing, hiking, my active lifestyle, and skiing. I kept asking everyone about skiing. I had a long talk about it with the prosthesis guy, I have had several talks with my favorite ortho onc and my friendly sarcoma doc. Their opinion is that given the strength of the ski boot it would really be very difficult to hurt my ankle skiing, but no more water skiing for me. Thats OK I can live with that. Given all that, I have been obsessed with trying to get out on the mountain this winter. So, tomorrow I leave for Colorado for a work meeting that leaves 4-6 hours open everyday to ski. I have just pulled out all my ski stuff, I am wearing my boots while typing this. I am filled with a familiar sense of nervous anticipation. I can't wait to get out in the snow. I'll post pictures soon. Wish me luck.

Silence is Golden

2008-02-17T11:58:00.001-08:00

Hello out there. I am still alive. I have gotten several emails lately asking about my lack of posts. I promise that the silence wasn't due to anything bad (except my having the flu despite getting a flu shot), but more just because I am back to work full time and busy trying to finish my home remodel, and not really in the mood to blog. Anyway, I am fine. I am at work today, but my kitchen is almost done and I will post pictures soon.

Why You Shouldn't Sleep Through an MRI

2008-01-24T16:47:00.000-08:00

Now I realize that most who have had any experience with an MRI will probably laugh at the idea of sleeping in one of those incredibly loud slightly claustrophobic chambers, but I tend to fall asleep. I have had 5 MRIs in the past year and a half, and I have fallen asleep during 3 of them, but usually just that zoned out state of sleep where you aren't really sure if you are asleep or awake. However, last night I took it to a whole new level. I was post call from a nonrestful night in the NICU and my test was in the early evening. I lay down on the MRI table and dutifully put in my earplugs and off I went a short while later into a dream world filled with nail guns and jackhammers, as I was surrounded by that lovely MRi melody that sounds like they are jackhammering your eardrum even with ear plugs. Well, when my dream assailant starting coming at me with the nail gun I awoke with a start and almost jumped off the bed in the middle of one of the MRI sequences, thus necessitating that they repeat it because my movement messed up the pictures, and it was the longest sequence so I got to spend an extra almost 15 mintues with my ears getting jackhammered. So very fun. The MRI tech stated that he thinks I am the first patient to actually enter REM sleep during an MRI. Sleep deprivation will do that to a person.

The Good, The Bad and the Uglyie The continuing saga of my numb foot

2008-01-18T10:54:00.000-08:00

I have been trying to come up with a post that explains how I feel about having just completed my first half month stent on service in 15 months, but I don't have the emotional energy right now.

So I am going to continue on with the tale of my numb foot. Yesterday I went to my friendly foot and ankle otho guy for exercise testing to try to determine why my foot goes numb and where the problem is. So, off I went to the ortho clinic in my exercise clothes. He examined me and then we went to the PT gym where I walked on the tread mill until I had symptoms (twice- about 15 and then 10 minutes). Then he examined me and we determined the following things: 1. The bottom of my foot is completely numb, 2. There maybe a vascular component to the top of the foot symptoms, 3- The site where the nerve is bothered is as it exits my poor little scarred inside of my ankle, and let me tell you his tapping on that nerve to confirm that was miserable.

Diagnosis: post radiation tarsal canal pseudo compartment syndrome- Psuedo because that isn't really a compartment except in me where the scarring from my surgeries and radiation has essentially created a compartment.

So where does that leave me

The good: Everyone is now on the same page- both of my treating orthopedic surgeons have reached the same conclusion and the same diagnosis

The bad: Back to PT for me. We are going to try noninvasive ways to break up the scar. So, I get to hang out with Jonathan more

The ugly: Both surgeons also now agree that it is very unlikely that there will be a nonsurgical fix for this. However, no one wants to rush into anything this soon after my radiation.

There you go. That is the state of the foot.

A Dose of Reality

2008-01-07T21:27:00.000-08:00

Well, Today was a red letter day in the world of getting in touch with my various orthopedic doctors. As in I talked to both of them. However, the upside is not so happy.

My favorite ortho onc called me back today and listened to my tale of the ever progressive numbness in the foot. At the end she took a long pause and in that measured carefully regulated tone that sends the fear of dread into me she said- (rough quote here) " I am trying not to be pessimistic, but I can't imagine a nonsurgical option to this. I know that isn't what you want to hear." Um- right. I have been clear to everyone that elective surgery isn't likely to happen to poor Lefty again soon, but is this really elective? To answer that I think that you need to understand me which fortunately she does. I don't do well sitting around and going about my business- that is a one way ticket to a place I won't go. I need to be able to count on my evening walks and long hikes when I want them. It is necessary for my sanity! So, if a surgery can fix this then maybe I can deal with that. Remember I am saying maybe. Well, after my 15 minute conversation with her the upshot was that we need objective evidence of if this really is pressure building up in the compartments of the leg and for that I need to have some tests done- Enter foot and ankle guy who called me back about 10 minutes after I emailed him. Yes, he can do this testing. However, first he wants to examine me when I have symptoms, so the next step is to go the ortho office and exercise down the hall until the numbness occurs and then he'll examine me, and then we'll schedule the formal testing. Yikes. More to come....

D-day has arrived

2008-01-02T16:40:00.001-08:00

14 and a half months after I went out of work on medical leave D-day has finally arrived. Yep, today I returned fully to my clinical work. Of course, only in my world can you be working over 40 hours a week and still be considered part time, but alas it is true. It is just like riding a bike except for the fact that I sit down a lot more than I used to. Nonetheless, it is a major thing. I am back.

So long 2007 Hello 2008

2008-01-01T12:22:00.000-08:00

Arivaderche 2007, Thanks for one heck of a year. I generally think that 2007 wasn't my favorite year, but still I appreciate all you have done for me. I swear that I love that I am healthier than I was at this time last year, but still I am so sad about my physical limitations that won't yet go away. I attacked last year with gusto. Full force ahead because I didn't know what else to do, but now my issues require a more formulated response, and I am tired. Yet still I am thankful to you 2007 you gave me a great insight into life. You gave me a perspective maybe I needed. You gave me the chance to rework a lot of things in my life, and most importantly in a few short weeks you will have given me practically a new house as my remodeling project is almost done. So to you 2007, I say thanks. 2008, to you I say, bring it on. I am ready

Happy New Year Everyone

Email v Phone Calls

2007-12-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

People often complain about the impersonalness of email, but there certainly is something nice and convenient about being able to carefully script your thoughts on your own time and send them off into the netherworld of the internet and then get a response scripted on the timeline of the recipient. It is unobtrusive and efficient. Phone conversations are better for active dialogue and information exchange, but it requires two people to be available at the same time and that is so hard.

I know a little bit of a departure from my usual thoughts, but this one has been plaguing (sp) me of late as the numb foot thing keeps getting worse. Yesterday, poor Lefty was devoid of feeling after walking just under a mile. At this rate, I might wind up back on the couch and that would so not work for me. Anyway, my favorite ortho onc doc wanted to talk to me after I saw the radiation doc and the foot and ankle ortho to discuss this further. However, she doesn't believe in email with patients. I get it, but the result is that my cell phone is connected to my person at all hours because invariably she will call during the two minutes that I leave my cell phone. On the other hand the foot and ankle guy is happily emailing me (and her) to try to figure out which nerve is bothered and why this keeps happening. So much more efficient. Right now I just want an answer and a plan because I am sick of this. Help!!

Promises kept

2007-12-24T09:26:00.000-08:00

I swore I would never dress my dog. I even gave Kim permission to take Sadie away if she were ever found in clothes. However, my mom has a ceramic duck that she dresses for the holidays, and Sadie was quite curious about the whole thing. She seemed to have costume envy. I persisted in my desire to keep her clothes free, but of course, my mom encouraged my poor dogs feeling of undressed inequality. See evidence below.

Merry Christmas to all

Time

2007-12-23T07:23:00.000-08:00

I sat in my office last night forcing myself to get through writing copious notes about my little charges and playing games with myself to get through it- so many notes before getting another pecan praline thing etc, and I started musing about time. It felt like just last week when I had last been tortured by the mundane reality of the writing of these notes, but in fact it was the Sunday after Thanksgiving, before I went to DC, before the dumb numb foot thing escalated, before so many other things that now seem remote because they are now a part of my daily reality. Then I started thinking about how I will be back to work truly full time as of Jan 2 when I am on service for the first time in over a year. That was when it got truly curious because if I have issues sorting out the passage of time over the past month, forget the past year. I barely remember last Christmas, yet the one the year before is still clear in my mind. I went to New York just after Christmas last year and while I did my best to put away all of my decorations before going when I returned to my house in March there were still tell tale bows and Christmas candles throughout my house. Alas those things were still there when I packed everything up for the great remodel further pushing the issue of time and how we mark its passing. We think of time as one of the truly objective things in this world. We mark the time and date of important events so that we can remember them. We, or at least I, live by my watch so that I can keep to a schedule. However, once it becomes the past our mind plays tricks with the now elusive memory of time and that once truly ordered, objective time somehow gets marked subjectively and ranked based on importance. Funny how that happens. Curious how the fact that I got no sleep last night has lead to these observations. Oh well, time goes on.

Almost 8 months- follow up

2007-12-22T09:38:00.000-08:00

Apparently breaking my fast food fast was worth it I found out today that I passed my test, and I have still managed to make forward progress with my diet.

Happy Birthday To Me v2

2007-12-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

I am another year older today and maybe another year wiser. That is a serious maybe, but I certainly learned a lot this past year. Today I also learned that a great way to chase away any birthday blues is as follows: Get your hair cut the night before so that your hair stylist has done your hair, wear a sweater the color of your eyes and pants the color of your hair. In that way you wind with at least 10 people telling you before 9 am that you look fabulous. Serious ego boost. Thanks all.

Also it is my blogiversary as I started this blog one year ago yesterday as a means of keeping everyone updated. Last year my birthday post was my second post ever and it had a little different feel, but today I am happy about it being my birthday.

Almost 8 months

2007-12-12T21:50:00.000-08:00

Really it has been 7 months and three weeks, since.....

The last time I ate fast food (the only exception were some fries the day I had my facial cyst biopsied). I know the date exactly because it was the day that my friend Kim gave birth to her baby, Brady. She had asked me to be there and I dutifully headed straight to the hospital where she was in labor after my daily foot fry; however, I was starving and by then I knew that getting really hungry wasn't good, so I stopped at Carls Jr for my all time favorite fast food hamburger- the Western Bacon Cheeseburger. I have loved it since I was a kid and it is the only fast food meal I have ever craved. Well that day, while the wonderful baby, Brady was born was the first time that I got really nauseous from my radiation. I know that the xray beams shot at my body were the cause but it became linked in my mind to fast food and thus for months after that fast food (even driving past a McDonalds or Carls Jr) made me sick to my stomach. Thus began my new found obsession with eating healthy. It started because protein smoothies were about the only thing I could stomach for the last week or so of radiation, but it has extended into a lifestyle change. I no longer remember the last time that I bought regular white rice in lieu of brown, or regular pasta instead of whole wheat. I eat organic when I can, and have at least one salad a day. I aim to eat lots of fresh veggies etc.

Alas, I digress, today I found myself with 20 minutes before I had to show up to take my pediatric recertification boards, 10 minutes of drivng to get there and at least 5 minutes to park etc and I needed to eat and lo and behold in front of me was a Carls Jr. I couldn't figure out how else to eat and I was hungry after swimming 2000 yards. I gave in and ordered the same Western bacon Cheeseburger, no fries. I ate the whole thing and it was good. I took my test, I hope I passed. I am disappointed at giving in on my resolve to avoid fast food for at least a year; however, while it was good it wasn't great and I am still quite sure that I will never again crave fast food.

So be it, I made it from April 22 to December 12 without any fast food and I think that was pretty darn good.

I wish I were an Ostrich

2007-12-05T19:12:00.001-08:00

I wish I were an ostrich so I could bury my head in the sand.

I wish I were on a boat floating down the Nile so I could be in that state of bliss called “denial.” (sorry I couldn't find a good picture)

I might even settle to be Sadie and be so happy that I am back from my trip that sleep is the only way to contain the joy.

Alas, I still am me, and Lefty is seriously foiling my plans now. I always sort of knew that my foot going numb was a bad sign and when it started happening on my walks while I was in DC, I knew it really wasn’t good. Yet still the amazing power of the human mind to happily float down that river in Egypt is astounding and while I am a smart person and a doctor I can still happily stick my head in the sand until it is forced back out, as it was by my doctor when we finally talked on Monday. Apparently, the numb foot is bad and made even worse by the fact that my ankle is also getting weak now when it’s is numb- uck. She is worried that this represents something called postradiation exertional compartment syndrome, which apparently means that my ankle and foot want to swell from the radiation and are doing so, but it is so scarred down from all of the surgeries and radiation that it can’t swell. Therefore, when I do things that should make Lefty swell there is nowhere for the fluid to go so it builds up pressure causing compression of the nerves, veins etc. leading to a numb foot. I have to have some more tests to prove this theory, but it fits all of the symptoms and it makes sense. It is going to take awhile to get everything done, but in the meantime I have to take it easier. Rats- Plus if this is what is wrong and it is happening this soon after radiation (apparently 7 months is soon- as it is supposed to get worse for 2-3 years postradiation) then likely I’ll need surgery to release the pressure. Double ick (I have a lot else I’d like to say, but double ick will have to be the profanity of choice for now)

Harrrrumph

The Day My Life Changed

2007-11-29T14:40:00.000-08:00

Alright folks, we aren't quite done with the "one year later" posts- sorry. I have thought a lot about whether to write this or not, but occassionally someone newly diagnosed finds my blog and emails me complaining that the story ends before the beginning, so I thought I'd try this.

One year ago today I heard terrible words while sitting by myself in a doctors office. Actually, I didn't so much "hear" them as "read" them, because I demanded to see the pathology report myself and there were a lot of crazy sounding things, but at the end was the term sarcoma and nothing good ends with sarcoma. I knew nothing about the specific form of sarcoma they were diagnosing me with (some crazy version of chondrosarcoma), but I remembered all to well taking care of kids with sarcomas in residency and it was always bad. To say that I was scared might actually be the understatement of the century. I was numb, shocked, horrified. I heard about the possibility of amputation for the first time that day, and it just wouldn't process. I didn't know what to feel I didn't know what to say or how to act and I kept thinking this can't happen to me I have to work tonight. Fortunately, my orthopedist declared- Lisa you can't work tonight, I forbid it. Otherwise, I might have tried.

I had arranged to take my parents to lunch that day to thank them for helping me through my post surgical recovery (who knew how much more of that they would do). Anyway, as I was spending more and more time in the ortho's office I called my dad and asked them to wait for me that I had to talk to them. I called my best friend on the way to the restaurant, then I crutched my way to their table, my dad stood up, he hugged me, I started to cry, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, my world was changed, I knew it even then. I finally got it out and then my mom started to cry. I don't think that she stopped for a week. A year later, I might hope that that will be the worst moment of my life. At the time it felt like a nightmare. I spent the rest of the day in a fog, talking to people who were slowly hearing the news, trying to deal, but I was a wreck. By the next day, I had focus again. I needed knowledge. I needed to understand what was wrong. I needed help. So, I went to work, I did literature searches. I called my friend at MSKCC and started the road towards going there. I pushed emotion aside and I just did what had to be done.

I have often thought of that transformation that I underwent in the night after I learned I had cancer, I changed from scared and powerless to purposeful and in charge after a few hours of pretending to sleep. In that day, I learned how strong I am, and I learned a lot about what makes me tick. I know that I couldn't have done it any different. I am me, and this story is how I dealt. I would never question how others might deal with similar issues and likewise I don't want to be questioned. I did what I had to do. I did it with the help of my family and friends. I remain so grateful to those who helped and saved my sanity along the way, but alas this was my road to travel and I did it as best as I could.

Numb Foot

2007-11-27T10:20:00.000-08:00

I have become obsessed with exercise of late. I make sure to work out at least 5 days a week and more often 6. It is a mixture of cardio and resistance training plus my PT, which I now no longer have to do for a month. I have lost over 25 pounds since I was allowed to start exercising back in June and I am proud of my progress. An aside here- for the first time ever in my life losing weight is now treated with suspicion. When I saw my doctor in October and they saw the then 20 pound weight loss, I was questioned quite seriously about whether or not it was on purpose and did I really think that it was proportional to how much I was exercising. This line of questioning has been repeated many more times of late- Nice. Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled post. So, as of late October I was allowed to start bumping up my cardio and start running and doing more and more on the elliptical and guess what. I am now being foiled by Lefty as he without fail goes completely numb after about 15 minutes. This has prompted another series of calls to my team as affectionately think of them- the PT, ortho onc, and foot and ankle ortho guy. Yikes. So far there is no consensus except to stop what I am doing once my foot goes numb. Harrrummph

One Holiday at a Time

2007-11-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

Every year it seems that the shopping world tries to start the Christmas season earlier and earlier. You used to hear retail people complain when Thanksgiving was late in November because it meant that there were fewer shopping days before Christmas. This Thanksgiving is as early as it can possibly be, but now it seems that the mass retail world has decided to ignore Thanksgiving all together in order to try to lure everyone into the stores to spend for Christmas. Why would they want to ignore one of the few truly American holidays. One of the only holidays that just celebrates our American history, family, friends and all of our countless blessings. I just don't get it.

I started thinking about this over the weekend because Friday night i went to my favorite outdoor mall which has fabulous restaurants, a comfortable movie theater and lots of cool stores. The Christmas tree was up, the walkways all decorated for Christmas, they were staging their Christmas tree lighting event for last Saturday (ie the Saturday before Thanksgiving). There was one notable exception- Nordstrom's. Nordstroms was decorated for fall/ THanksgiving, with fall leaves, turkeys, gourds etc. THey even had a sign on their door that I wish I had pulled out my cell phone to photograph. It simply read

WE AREN'T SCROOGES. WE JUST BELIEVE IN CELEBRATING ONE HOLIDAY AT A TIME.

Here, here I thought. My hat is off to Nordstroms.

I thought this day would never come!!

2007-11-15T18:18:00.000-08:00

I started physical therapy in July 2006. My ortho and PT both wanted me to work on my core strength in preparation for my surgery and we thought it might help my back pain. Thus I started working with my friendly PT, Jonathan. Who knew how long I would be working with him, but who knew a lot of things. In the last year and a half I have taken a couple of breaks from PT (ie. for my surgeries in New York, when radiation kicked my tail etc.) but pretty much I have been there twice a week for a year and a half. These people have become friends; Jonathan a good friend, coach and cheerleader. I have complained about the exercises that he has me do and how much they hurt, but the results are obvious. Last week he had me doing lunges while standing on a dynadisc ( a sort of flat, non- slippery ball kind of thing). My personal trainer declared that my balance must be awesome if I could do that, and yes my balance is pretty darn good now. So, alas here we have arrived at the point where all good things must come to an end. We have decided to space out my last few appointments so we can see how I do with my home routine etc. So, next week for the first time in 6 months I don't have a PT appt. I can hardly believe it. What will I do with the time? While I am so happy that this means I am better and stronger all of which is good. I really well miss them. So long for now. Thanks for all your help.

I spoke too soon

2007-11-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

So, a short 6 hours after I wrote my last post and I am resting on the couch icing Lefty. I went to PT this afternoon and promptly declared to my trusty PT that he would finally get his wish of examining my ankle when it was tired due to the aforementioned packing activities. So onward we went with the usual PT events and he began the not fun scar massage during which he declared that my ankle was extrememly tight. Um, I think I told him that, but apparently it was really stiff. The patient after me noshowed, so I got the fun of a full hours worth of scar massage/ desentization. Then to top it all off when he heard that I had more packing and box carrying to do, we decided that I shouldn't do my exercises. Yikes. What is PT without my hour plus of serious resistance craziness on wobble shoes. So, while Lefty is doing his job helping me get ready for the remodel- Normal it is not.